I do try to give back sometimes. I try so hard, especially with people that I speak to on msn and skype and such. I always push myself over the limit and I know I do, but I just can't help it... I'm helping someone else with their ED at the moment, she only found out about it the other day. It's dragging me down and I know it is, hence why I purged last night because I felt so fat and horrible and undeserving of what I'd eaten...

My next appt with Sian is tomorrow. I'm so scared because I have to write in my diary about purging and she's gonna be annoyed about it. She's gonna say that she's worried about my eating habits and the fact that I've started purging again. i want to OD again to get rid of what I've eaten for breakfast. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve it one bit because I'm such a failure. I'm going to the gym with a friend today. I offered to go with her because she had no-one to go, I already have an exercise plan written out by my fitness instructor, so I'm doing a double workout today and Friday... Bad idea? I know.. But I feel so guilty for eating..

I had some laxative-type sachets given to me by my dr who knows nothing of how bad my ED is getting, for my IBS. I've started using them. I'm supposed to drink them with water, but the texture just makes me sick, so I put them in my lemon tea and stuff. I know it's a really bad idea, but I need to get rid of this food. It's horrible. I need to be smaller fr my birthday. I'vepromised myself that I would be thinner for my Birthday.

My dr has referred me to MHT again and I will probably be seeing my old cpn again. I'm also scared about that too, because I don't trust her. Not one bit. I am going to try harder this time, though. I'm just scared of the outcome.. I don't know what she'll do/say about my ED and Ihate talking about my SH, ED, SA etc. I'm terrified of opening up.

I just wantr to cry I feel so alone and isolated and hurt. I just want to get away from the ED voice, never fear her again, never have to worry about feeling guilty for eating...

God, i feel so s--t today. A hug.. Please?