Appreciate what...?

I guess... Scenario 2 is better. Wait. I Know scenarion 2 is better... But I guess I got anxious felt sick, so my instant reaction was to purge... Not a good idea, I know...

I just. I don't want food inside my body. I don't deserve food inside my body. i don't deserve to feel happy, okay, fed, have nutrients in me, feel safe. I never feel safe. Never. Even though I have started to sleep with the light off, I have to scan my room and every other room in my flat to check that nobody's in there tha can get me. I have to keep all of my windows shut at night, knowing that I'll be so, so hot when I sleep.

I'm always on edge, always anxious. My days can never just be relaxed, free of anxiety and worry, my nights can never be peaceful.. Not even when Connor's there and I feel a little safer because I know he's beside me, able to protect me. I know that he'll protect me now, because of when I woke up having a panic attack. He snapped awake and thought I was being attacked, so sat bolt upright and prepared himself to punch the lights out of whoever was hurting me. Heh/ Just a dream, just a flashback, just another stupid messed up memory that doesn't matter and means nothing.

Heh. It means everything to me. It scares the living daylight out of me. I get so scared that someone's after me and I can't take being so anxious, edgy, paranoid all the time. yesterday I got the shakes. I was guessing it was the sugar rush after not having sugar in such a long time, then Connor giving me ice cream. Big mistake. First of al, i went hyper, then a few hours when he left, I was on a major downer and started to get the shakes and feel weak. Weird. I went to bed shortly after because it was too painful to stand up and I knew I'll pass out if I stayed stood up much longer.

Jeez. I feel like utter crap today. I have the shakes again now and I hate myself for eating breakfast. I know that Ill go OTT in the gym today, I just know it. I've decided deep down that I'm going to do a double work out. Meaning an hour and a half non stop working out. Sigh. That'll be the same on Friday, too. I know I'm overworking myself again, but I just have to do it. It'll get rid of the guilt then. I'll feel better then, I won't feel like such a failure and so fat and horrible. Maybe even purge. Probably will, knowing me and my ways. *******it.

I wish someone could just come see me, hug me, be with me today and make me feel safe, let me feel okay...