Thank you, P7. It's nice to have someone sit with me. When I get my angel back, I'll be able to take care of myself, because I'll have someone that truly cares and loves me unconditionally and will never leave me or get mad at me if I trip up, plus she'll be my distraction from food whenever I eat. I can eat and hopefully feel okay about it. If not... I'm trying, right..? Idk. Maybe I'm making excuses to put off taking care of myself and yes, FZ, what you said about messing up at taking care of myself and now punishing myself for that by not taking care of myself... Is right. It's true.. But before, I messed up with taking care of myself in a different way. In the way of not stopping them from abusing me. I had so many chances to escape. Everytime they left me in the car, I could've unlocked it and ran, I could've just run out of the house/garden when the door was left open or when I was feeding the chickens. Why the hell didn't I do it? Why the hell didn't I have the GUTS to do that?? Why? Why, why WHY???

I feel so sick right now. I purged again. I took laxatives too. *******it I'm such a hypocrite and such a retard!!!! I know what it's gonna do to me. But then... My dr prescribed the lax's for me... For my IBS. Heh. He knows nothing of me abusing them and doesn't really know about my ED. He just pushed it aside when Connor told him about it. Phew! For now...

Until my ED counsellor makes me go to my new GP and tell her, I'm keeping my mouth ziped tightly shut about it. I don't want them to know... they'll somehow take the meds away from me, they'll not give me more, they'll make people keep an eye on me to make sure that I'm not purging. I don't even binge... I either eat a little, or eat nothing... But still purge... Sigh..

I have to go to the gym in exactly 6 minutes with a friend. I agreed to go, to keep her company. I feel weak and tired from the purging and the lax's just make me feel sick because they're sachets that I have to dissolve in water... Urghhh. My back and my ribs hurt, but most of all, my stomach muscles hurt from the retching... I thought I wasn't able to make myself sick anymore, after the time I was bulimic... Maybe I am

I don't like this. I know, I just Know I'm going to overwork myself in the gym in a minute. I just know I'll make myself do a double workout, so instead of 40-50 minutes, it'll be an hour and 20 minutes - an hour and a half. Jeez. But somehow... I don't care if it kills me... Just so long as I can get rid of all this fat and guilt, I'm fine.

Yeah. I'm fine!

Thanks for the hugs and sitting with me and stuffs. It's greatly appreciated. I will try to do that list and read aloud what Sannah said, P7, but I'm not making any promises... I'm exhausted after no sleep last night and purging twice in 2 days and stuff.