My Support Forums - View Single Post - Does it freak you out when T doesn't write back?

Xtree · Jun 09, 2009, 10:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Luce

You know what Xtree? It sounds like it would be really helpful for you to find out your Ts boundaries and rules about emails, so you don't have to go through this emotional torture about not getting a reply. You may find that T is quite clear (within Ts own self!) about the rules and limits of email communication, and may be COMPLETELY unaware of how difficult and painful this is for you.

You wrote that T said "emails are okay", but did T specify that she(he?) would reply? Or give a time frame for when a reply might be expected? For the sake of one's mental health these are really important boundaries for clients to be aware of!

I know how desperately painful a non-response to an email can be, and how it can trigger up all sorts of (un)related things. (like "I don't matter", "T doesn't care", "T doesn't want me to email", "I don't deserve anything or anyone" etc etc). In this case knowledge is power - if you KNOW your T accepts emails but doesn't reply to them, the trigger will be less. If you KNOW your T WILL reply, but sometimes takes several days to do so, the trigger will be less. Likewise, if your T KNOWS a non-reply is very triggering for you, she (he?) will likely either clearly explain the limits or be more mindful replying in a timely manner in future.

Knowlege is power: See if you can be brave enough to bring this up with T and empower yourself with it. There's little worse than feeling triggered and actuely disempowered alone.

Thank you for your response, there is a lot of important information in there. We have disused boundaries and expectations regarding emails, writing and telephone calls. I understand a response to an email will be much longer and not very secure, but she said will write back. It is not a question of how long I need to wait, I do not mind waiting. It is a question of not replying at all. When she neglects replying to emails it creates a fear that she may not call back if I call when I am in a tough situation. She has never done that but it has created a doubt in my mind.

She called, apologized, explained and I understood. She has done this a few times now. I am really not that needy but this is certainly a button pusher for me. The inner child in me reacts with the all or nothing mentality. I never want to email again, I never want to write again and I will never call again, just to avoid feeling like that again. The bad news is I am stubborn enough to do it for a long time. I know no one wins and I understand that is wrong, bad and very childish but hey that’s why I am in therapy!

Now that I mentioned this here “The inner child in me reacts with the all or nothing mentality”, I should discuss that in session.

Thanks
Xtree