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Old Jun 09, 2009, 12:37 PM
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JudeeB JudeeB is offline
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Member Since: Jul 2008
Location: Southwest,USA
Posts: 145
Because of my childhood abuse or perhaps just being human I have struggled with distorted thinking and it has played a major role in my up and down cycles with depression.

I have come to see how much my thoughts affect my emotions and actions. My mind was full of negative messages about myself; I was unloveable, damaged beyond repair, not good enough, a disappointment, and all the bad things that happened were somehow my own fault so I deserved whatever happened to me.

I also had an internal list of assumptions about my life; no one good would ever want me, if anyone knew the the truth of my past they wouldn't like me, I'd be lucky to just get by, I'd always be alone and have to fend for myself. The list goes on and on.

What I have discovered over the past few years is that I was believing a big bunch of lies based on things I decided as a small child. Had to go way back to what happened that caused me to believe these lies and re-look at the situations.

The fact that my parents didn't know how to show love in a healthy way does not mean I am unloveable..it means they don't know how to show love.

The fact that I was abused does not mean I did anything wrong or in any way deserved it...it means grown people made evil choices.

The fact that I was wounded by abusive actions doesn't mean I have to stay wounded...I can be healed, restored and live a good life.

So much of that harmful kind of thinking is gone. And when a negative hurtful thought comes to my mind I can stop and examine it and questions its truth.

Do I trip over distorted thoughts? Oh yes I still can and when I do it can make me feel like crap. Fears are a good example. I'm still sometimes afraid I'll never find a decent man to share my life with. If I choose to dwell on that fearful thought I can start to feel very depressed. I'm really afraid that I'll never get a handle on my overeating. If I choose to dwell on that I can get depressed very quickly.

But are my assumptions a fact? I can't know if I'll ever meet a man who cares for me but it will be harder to find him if I'm home all depressed. Will I ever get enough love for myself to care enough to do the healthy things I need to do? What I can do is keep praying and accept myself as OK right where I am.

Why did I bother to write this? Because I have to remind myself of what is true. I have to remember that negative thoughts are not facts and serve no good purpose. Focusing on gratitude and accepting myself serves me much better and the bottom line is that it is my choice. I am no longer a victim of my own thoughts.

Thanks for reading this and letting me give myself a pep-talk.
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However confused the scene of our life appears, however torn we may be who now do face that scene, it can be faced, and we can go on to be whole.