Depressed and see no end. I am frustrated most of all. Many feelings shoved back like I have been for 41 years. Have new ones on top of it like....assaulted at work and a chronic infection from it. Then was told I had a cancerous tumor in the would as a result of the chronic infection, 4 surgeries in 6 weeks. Next came PTSD and Depression. Yes in therapy and on meds.
April 20th my brother I have not spoken to in 10 yrs for good reasons died at the age of 42. The next blow was a very good friend and relative, my sister-in-laws brother 41 took his own life on May 2nd.
I thought it cant get worse, I was wrong. Having the PTSD and depression added to my workers comp case since the assault cause it. So the defense got a court ordered subpoena for all session notes and email correspondence between me and the T. My worry I have been talking about childhood issues which includes my brother and other things. It is none of their business but now they get to see it all....I feel so exposed.
What is making me more depressed is whats going on inside of me....
41 years of suppressing feelings shoving them back out of the way.
I want to get them out and need to get them out. Especially the deaths I need to be able to mourn and can not. Here is why.....I am a soda bottle filled with small rocks they are my feelings turn the bottle upside down what happens they all get trapped by each other trying to come out all at once.....frustrates me depresses me....here is what I think will happen when i do actually try to let some out.....imagine a champange bottle with a cork you keep shaking that bottle until the cork starts to slip. Once the cork blows all the emotions are going to come out fast and furious and no control over what happens.

Right now I need to find a way to start releasing some of the pressure inside or I am going to explode......I want out of this depression and that is whats making it worse....I can not process one thing then another issue comes along then another crap keeps happening I feel like there will be no way out. I am trying my best to get out of this depression with therapy (which I have a trust issue with now due to the subpoena) and on meds. But it is the crap that keeps coming my way too fast for me to process what came before it. I have not even been able to grieve the 2 deaths b\c they got wedged in all the other crap. Sorry for the ramble but I can not take much more. I am hoping this might help a little but I doubt it. I sit in therapy and zone out and can not really say how i feel b\c i am so overloaded and again very untrusting of my T because of the subpoena crap which I know is not her fault. The subpoena just reinforced my over all trust issue.