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Originally Posted by deliquesce
yes, i think the pulling back thing may just be something i want right now... maybe it'll change again in a few months or something.
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I see it as part of a flow or process for you. If I can't get something, I sometimes get stuck wanting it; once I do get it, I find out how it suits me -- and what's next for me.
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i'm one of those clients who goes into therapy with their battle armour on, locked deep inside a castle with the moat around it and bridge drawn up.
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I was about to ask what you needed all that protection from (thinking I might have missed something you'd said elsewhere), but you do start to answer that:
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and pdoc kept knocking, so eventually i let him in, but now that he's here it's like i'm using him to defend me from attack instead of doing things myself.
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I didn't quite follow that last part. You don't have to say if you don't want to, but I was wondering: attack by whom or what? Defend you how?
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and there's also the growing uneasiness that maybe he will turn against me and kill me in my sleep.
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Meaning, you're finding yourself having to watch what you say to him lest you provoke him to do something of the sort?
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the suggestion that you manage meal portions is a bad one for me, because i don't really understand what 'normal' meal portions are, and i think i would take it to excess.
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Once upon a time, when I was considering what kinds of supplements I should take, if any, I started by calculating how much of each vitamin and mineral I was getting in an average day versus how much would be good for me. That showed me where the most obvious gaps were. I was thinking you might try something similar: calculate what you do typically eat, see how it compares with the guidelines, and take it from there. If you were already eating within a few percent of guidelines, that would suggest your portions were already "normal" and hardly worth adjusting; if it was half or double, that would show you which direction to consider adjusting in.
Oh, one more thing: I've found that when I don't pay any attention to my weight, it yo-yos a bit but pretty much stays within bounds. A couple of times, years ago, when I
did want to lose weight, what I mostly managed to do was obsess about eating -- and slowly and painfully gain.
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i just dont know if its healing, for me to rely on someone else. maybe it's like... trusting someone is good, but it also feels like i've given over all my power now, and i want it back. i feel hopeless without that control, and trusting pdoc feels like it's taken away all of my control. and now i feel dependent on him, and i'm acting as if i'm dependent on him, and being dependent on someone is abhorrent to me. i think he might be sick of it also.
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I think it
could potentially be healing, if it were your choice. As long as it's something that feels imposed on you, though, I think the first step in healing would be to get yourself out from under it and
then see where you are about it. Being in a relationship, therapeutic or otherwise,
because you feel dependent is among the worst possible reasons. Being in the same relationship
although you feel dependent is a hairbreadth -- and a world -- from that, and tends to work a lot better.
