Hello dear ones, Sorry for the story...no short way to say it...
I have been diagnosed with the following acronyms: BPD, PTSD & Bipolar II.
I am unmedicated and suffering the consequences via self-injury etc. I have been off meds now for almost 6 years and was doing really well, maintaining myself and managing life and living, and was happy! I got married, my beautiful son came into my life, then I had my dearest darling daughter a little over a year ago. That's when my fragile world came crashing down in tiny little shards that got in deep. Second time in my life I have been this ill.
My depression is, at times, overwhelming, mostly distressing. My guilt and shame unfathamable. My anxiety and panic attacks are out of control. Psychosis intermittent. Disassociation, well, who knows cos I don't! Depersonalisation, who me?! Suicidal part of the time...but here I am.
My dilemma is my husband and I both want another baby. We don't have time to wait as my husband is a bit older in his mid-40's and wants to be able to enjoy our kids without being 'too old'. I've refused medication as I'm breastfeeding my daughter still. Yes, she's a year old and no longer 'needs' it, but I do. Knowing that I have to be 'here' in 4 hours time to feed her as helped me be here. I know I'll have to wean her eventually, but I fed my boy till he was 18 months old and plan to do the same for her (along with solids if anyone was wondering). I don't see the point of going on meds to come off them in a month or two so we can conceive again. So here's another down side...my boy is 3 now. He's not a baby, and is aware of my distress and inner turmoil and we now have behavioural problems with him, albeit minor ones, but I'm aware that I am having an effect on him. My heart broke tonight when he said that I scare him. I scare my boy. My beautiful angel, my gift from God, is scared of me. I never meant for this to be...
Do I sacrifice the potential life of one and go on the meds and not have any more children (which would gut me to the core and push me further), or do I try to get these public child counsellors to listen and help us and forge ahead with the plans my husband and I made when I was well, knowing as I do right now (as opposed to what I may be thinking in 2 minutes time) that I will be well again? Will ECT help me in temporary place of meds till our last child arrives? I love my children and my husband, they are my world, my everything. I want to give them my best, but they are getting my worst.
Going to throw up now.
Thanks for listening.
Hope your day has been kind to you...in peace,
k_p