from a recent post >>> i just dont know if its healing, for me to rely on someone else. maybe it's like... trusting someone is good, but it also feels like i've given over all my power now, and i want it back. i feel hopeless without that control, and trusting pdoc feels like it's taken away all of my control. and now i feel dependent on him, and i'm acting as if i'm dependent on him, and being dependent on someone is abhorrent to me. i think he might be sick of it also. <<<

((((((((((((((( to the person who said this )))))))))))))) thanks so much for coming with me to see T yesterday! You know how I went in there with immense frustration, anger, impatience. I have turned over the keys to my interior life, and I wanted my keys back.

Without your help, I would never have cried in T's presence; a first for me in 18 months. By the time I left, I felt only peace, and gratitude for her light and help.

She asked me, as I was leaving, why it was only now that the tears came - I fight so hard against them & we both know it - I told her because it means vulnerability; in my growing up years I was powerless, vulnerable, and I will never let it happen again.

Then to my surprise I asked if I could give her a hug - and she gave me her radiant smile, opened her arms wide, and I did it.

on the way home it occurred to me that I have it all wrong; vulnerability is a necessary part of trust; it is distrust that dries up my spirit and makes me hide away from people, from life. I was never allowed to have needs but I do NEED someone to help me come out of the shell, to trust, to live while I still have time to live.

for your help, I can only give you this - please don't make any decisions when you are upset; at a moment like that you have a very bad counselor. Wait till you are in a moment of peace and then decide if a change is in order.
Oh yes, and I can give you a hug with all my heart. wishing you gentle peace