Hi phoenix,

Thank you for responding. I did briefly mention it to the doc yesterday, though I didn't admit that it's an ongoing strong temptation. I have fought these thoughts for a very long time, they're just now occurring daily.

I have had a few major medical hospitalizations and a couple of psychological hospitalizations in the last three years, which has been extremely difficult on my relationships with my 2 young daughters. I aim to stay out of the hospital now, to prevent worsening of the relationships. I know that I sound like an absolutely selfish POS but I can't handle their rejection. Aged 4 and 6, my 6 year-old tends to be extremely defiant with me. Then, I snap. I was never allowed to talk to my elders that way! Then, the guilt. It's all my fault. If I were a better mom, better person, things wouldn't be this bad. And that's when I want it all to end. I see no hope for the future. Children only become more defiant as they age. If I can't handle it now, how in the hell am I going to make it through teenage years?

Shez