I can take my angel out for long works, food or no food. SHE makes me exercise whether I like it or not anyway. I know I need fuel to do it, but SHE won't let me. SHE says she's only looking after me, making me perfect like The Adoptive Famiyl want me to be and will love me for...

I have 3 jobs to apply for... One of which is catering based meaning I cook and serve food. I don't want this job, but if I don't get offered for any of the others, then i ill take it because it is well paid. All of these jobs Ihave to be better for I can't do it, i just can't... I'm not strong enough and everybody knows it.

Now Counsellor has all teh more reason to push me to get better. She said to me today "You're doing really well with our sessions, you're working really hard and I can see that you want it and that you're working your butt off to just understand yourself, The Adoptive Family and get yourself to where you want to be in life. I really wnt you to continue with me and I always say.. You may not be there.. YET. But I will get you there, don't you worry." I feel so guilty. I know that I'm pushing my *** so fricken hard to get there, I really am. I just feel like I'm trying to kid myself and Counsellor into thinking that I want it but really, I don't... Could this just be Ana playing tricks on my mind to make me think I don't want it?

Sorry... I'm so confused...

Yes, Sannah, I see what food means an represents to me, kind of.. It;s an enemy and it's not important to me to stay alive..?