I had a good session yesterday. We talked a lot about my T1 and how I am still stuck. She wants to do some mild EMDR on me holding on to buzzers while I talk about what happened.

The thing I am thinking about now is how in the past when my parents were verbally abusive to me, I didn't hold them in a high regard, so I didn't internalize their negative views of me. So in spite of going through some horrible abuse and torture, I still had my self confidence about myself. I knew I was okay, not crap like my parents said.

But the thing is, I internalized the good things that T1 did to help me. I became even more functional in the world and I truely trusted him and he was like my rock in my world when I had nobody or nothing to hang onto. But when T1 said those horrible mean things to me, I took it to heart and believed him. I died that day and went into a deep depression for almost 2 years. He told me that if I died he wouldn't come to my funeral and that he didn't care about me. I felt that if even my own T doesn't care about me, I must be nothing but crap. I tried to rationalize on why he said what he did, but it still hurt me deeply. I trusted him and respected his views, and when he said those things, it smashed me.

My current T told me that she cares and loves all her clients and she couldn't do her job right if she didn't . She talked about how hard it is for a T when a client dies, no matter what the cause. I told her that she is going to be a T for a long time, and she isn't going to be able to go to every ex-clients funeral if they died, (especially a T) it has to be one of the meanest things ever. She said, yes it was mean. She told me my ex T should have seeked consolatation concerning his feelings for me and he should have been in therapy himself for his issues. His issues got in the way of my therapy and harmed me and my T said that is exactly what they are not suppose to do, EVER. T1 messed up on so many levels, and now I am paying the price of those mistakes.

I keep trying to tell myself that I am okay, and I am a worthy person, but it is so hard to get my T1 comments out of my heart. I feel like a very unworthwhile human because of him. I feel like I wasn't even worthy of a T to care about me and that if I died, I wouldn't matter at all to him. The worst part of all is that I really like him and had respect for him.So it really sucks when someone like that tells you that you mean nothing to them.