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Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies
So many people say they won't give up on me, taht they'll always be there for me no matter what, then the next thing I know they're slagging me off behind my back, and they give up on me... It's not that I don't have faith in you, or what you say, Sannah... It's just teh whole trust thing and I don't believe I'm worth being cared about..
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To me this all sounds like parts of the same conversation. It may not always look like it's on topic but that may just be because we're not ready to see it. Earlier I wrote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fool Zero
you just happen to be in the worst place to see that, while it's coming down on top of you. The view is much, much better from just a little way away -- and as soon as you learn to step outside yourself for a moment, you'll get to appreciate it too.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies
Appreciate what...?
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Well, just for openers, that Sannah and phoenix7 (among others) aren't planning to slag you off or give up on you. Where you are now, it sounds as if you can't see stuff like that unless you stand way up on tiptoe and peek over the hedge. That's fine -- you'll just need to practice standing on tiptoe and peeking a lot, till you get a little "taller".
It sounds like you have the ability to let
some good stuff in...
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I just had an india head massage, neck, back and shoulder massage and reflexology. It was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good!
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Being able to enjoy that, is really just another kind of control. <--- When you tune that out, it's going to look to you as if starving yourself is the only kind of control you have.
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The guy (a friend) who was doing the massage asked if I'd eaten anything today... He knows nothing of my ED still being bad... How on EARTH did he come up with taht question? Did it show in the way I was talking? The way my muscles were? How I looked? See. I got all panicky. He noticed that too.
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See? The view really
is better out here. The people who appreciate you are on to something and right now
you're the one who's having trouble seeing it. You don't have to believe us, either; we're inviting you to test it out for yourself.
(Or, when you tell us, "I don't believe I'm worth being cared about.." is that part of testing for you? Seeing if we'll give up and leave if you mistrust us or push us away? In that case, I guess there's not much use in our telling you we won't; you'll just have to try it and see.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies
..I don't want food inside my body. I don't deserve food inside my body. i don't deserve to feel happy, okay, fed, have nutrients in me, feel safe...
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OK, but what if you were to get the idea that the "don't deserve" is just some ghosts from the past hovering over you, acknowledge them, and go on about your business (at the moment, that would seem to be taking good care of yourself). If the ghosts are still around when you're done, you can even tell them, "
".
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I wish someone could just come see me, hug me, be with me today and make me feel safe, let me feel okay...
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Keep noticing, though, that when they do something of the sort, it's
you letting them (or not), accepting it (or not), feeling safe (or not). Seems like you're going to be very surprised to discover how much control you have
just like some lady who was surprised to discover that she'd been speaking prose all her life.
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I'm sorry. I feel so bad at the moment
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OK, you feel like apologizing. Noted. We've been having a good time getting to know you, though, and watching you get to know yourself a little better; you remind each of us of ourselves in some way; we're not surprised that you're often upset during this time in your life; and you don't need to apologize to
us for it. If you should ever want to apologize to yourself, that would be up to you.
