I really do not know anymore. I feel happy but I dont ? It's so confusing, nevermind frustrating. Grr.

I admit I kinda feel happy but I have no motivation. I don't want to die but everything feels kinda pathetic. Like stupid ****ing CBT and DBT and all that crap. It's not helping. I think I need to go back to hospital. Not ready yet. I shouldnt have thought, just cus I felt happy, I am ready to leave hospital. Gah

Also. I want to self harm but I dont. Cus it's disgusting when I look down at my arm or leg and see a gaping wound. I can't deal with that sight. Also, I don't neccessarily like pain that much. And believe me, I feel pain. But Im cutting daily. GRRRR. It's so damn confusing. Everytime I cut I feel sick and I feel scared im gonna go too deep and do some damage but I carryon, pressing harder and harder.

GGRRRRR

HEEEEEEEEELP