T vacation update:

Today is the middle point. It has been 6 days since I've seen him and 6 days until I see him again. It was a HARD day. My mom had chemo on Monday that made her really sick and I have been running in a million directions trying to manage that and my kids and their activities and life in general. Then my mom's oncologist called this afternoon to say that she DOES NOT think she has cancer. She's NOT SURE. So now my mom goes for a PET scan in three weeks for a more definitive diagnosis. This is SO the story of my life. Mom's going to die, no she's not, yes she is, no she's not, yes she is, no she's not. Since I was teeny tiny. I've spent my whole life taking care of her and fearing her death. I worked so so so so hard today for her (as I have been lately) and when she called to tell me the "maybe not cancer" news I could tell there was something wrong with my response because she was clearly angry. I have NO IDEA what I did, but it wasn't "perfect" so despite all of the hard work I've done to help her, she's pissed. Help.

ANYHOW, I typed a big e-mail to T this morning. He invited me to e-mail/leave messages during his vacation (but he won't respond until he gets back). I could NOT send it. I just saved it in my drafts. I was afraid I would spiral out about "bothering" him on his vacation (which I know is just silliness I am making up in my own mind, because he made it clear it would be more than okay).

So. I miss T. We haven't been working on anything "deep" lately - just how to get through day to day life right now - so in a way it hasn't felt as "necessary". But now that he's not here, I can see how much his love and support and listening ear help me get through and help me do a better job doing what I need to do (being a compassionate mom, a helpful daughter, etc.)

I miss him. A lot. I think about him and hope he is having the best time ever with his family.

And I can't wait for him to come back.