dps,

i do know the feelings and experiences you have shared. we are totally different people but our experiences are similar and the feelings are so human.

many times i felt my brain would explode from the pressure of feelings, words, expectations and responsibilities and nightmares and mysterious changes and disappearing memories and upset people who just want me to be what they think i am supposed to be. the more i added to my life as wife and mother the higher the pressure went until i felt like a pressure cooker with no escape valve for steam. the harder i tried the more frustrated i felt and my mind was like a kaleidoscope whirling with colors and thoughts and misery and fear and childishness and desperation and the horrible worry that i will not be able to keep up my life.

i've lived between the desires and needs of a child and the responsibilities and expectations of a woman. people around me getting angry when i forgot AGAIN or acted differently AGAIN or i got sick AGAIN. and the words and voices in my mind just got louder and more insistent...

BUT, after a long time and lots of work and many mistakes and considerable pain it got better. there are no simple and easy fixes. the things we did to survive saved our lives and sanity as small children and the same things hurt our lives as adults. dissociation and depression and anxiety have cost me friends, jobs and the love of my mate. most of the losses can be recovered from and a few precious things like my relationships with my daughters have stayed and grown better.

The words are meant to communicate but sometimes they just can't do enough to really help. I want to reassure you that you are OK and you WILL find your way through these experiences and difficulties. The way you come to resolution may not be like how I resolve mine - but we can encourage each other to hang in there.

If someone asked me at the beginning what will it be like now I could not have guessed it could be this good. I have peace now I treasure and more acceptance of myself than I ever thought was possible. The way it is inside here still is that someone is mocking me for being "pretentious" and someone else wonders if you guys will understand and someone else wants to be accepted and someone else would flip off anyone who doesn't like me. Healing seems to take a long time for people with DID. At least I am getting there. I wish you peace and healing.

Leslie and her Pixies