That's the thing... I don't want anyone to be onto the fact that I'm not eating. I can't let anyone know that. He doesn't even know anything about it, apart from taht I've struggled before... Maybe it's because my shoulders felt more bony or something, I don't know.. I don't think they would've because I'm still fat!

I don't mistrust you, or try to push you - or anyone - away. I just find it hard to believe what you say because of what I've been told all my life. Everytime someone says something good about me, to me, I'm waiting for the bad thing to come out, but no... That little voice inside my head tells me all tehbad stuff to cancel out the good thing that one person just said.

I don't think I have any control... Nothing seems like control to me because what control others say I do have, to me... Isn't obvious whereas to them, it is. Letting people care and letting myself feel safe and accepting help is just what everybody does everyday. I don't see that as control, I see that as just life.

Why would I apologise to myself?

Sannah; It is a problem because as I said in our session yesterday, nobody sees the real me, my true feelings, how much I hurt deep down. They see the "I've got to be tough, stay strong, keep my emotions held back" me, because that's how I survived before so now that's the way I have to survive. It's all about survival for me. I couldn't let Sian see me cry, especially not yet because there;s so much to cry about and I'd look like a complete idiot because I'd just be sobbing my face off and I'd apologise loads and just feel really pathetic and stupid. I have a feeling, though, that when we talk about my Adoptive Father, there'll be some very deep stuff coming out and maybe the little girl inside me will come out and stop being smiley for once, I don't know.

I'm trying to show myself that I deserve stuff like this, but something always tells me that I don't... Yesterday, John (the guy massaging my back and shoulders) said "You've got a good back. You've got hardly any knots, just your shoulders and neck are quite tense, but you've got a nice back." Heh. I was surprised at that. Then when I was having reflexology, Jason and Alex came to me and said; "You work so hard, girl. It's about time you let yourself have some time for you, to chill out and have some pampering!" It was nice, I just felt undeserving... But when they said that, I felt a little more deserving and the voices evaporated for a while... The indian head massage was nice too. I've never had any of these therapies before and everyone was shocked when I said that, saying I never give myself enough time to relax and be pampered, looked after etc. The woman doing the indian head massage commented on how gorgeous my hair is. Heh. I said that I love my hair and she kept playing with it. LOL. She said she wants me to go to her yoga classes because she could tell I'm quite tense a lot of the time and such. So yeah... Yoga next week.

I finally got some sleep last night! I think all the massages and stuff made everything much easier and I was able to chill out for pretty much the rest of the day. I got to sleep at 10.30pm and didn't wake up until 7am this morning. Obviously the lack of sleep has caught up with me now, so I still feel tired, but if I manage to sleep tonight, the amopunt of sleep I'm getting will overtake the lack of sleep I've had. I just hope I can sleep tonight.

Connor was talking to me about my eating last night, saying taht I need to go to the drs because it's inevitable anyway and I may as well just get it over and done with now.. Nuh-uh. I said to him "It's not inevitable because I can get better, I can make myself better and I won't have to go" which I think is true. It's not gonna be really hard, I can get out of it when I want to. I'm strong enough. One of my friends was begging me last night for web addresses where she could count calories of what she'd eaten. I refused point blank for ages and she got upset, but I didn't bakc down. A while later, she thanked me for not backing down. So it paid off. I didn't like upsetting her, but I told her I didn't want her going down the same road as me because it's not a nice road to go down.

So many people needed my help last night and I just got frustrated because most of them wouldn't listen, just kept on going on and on. In the end I just told them that I needed sleep because I was so exhausted and couldn't think straight. Then, just as I'm drifting off, I get a text from the usual person that constantly asks for my help. "Can I come over to talk to you please?" NO!!!! I'm trying to sleep *******it!!!! She should know by now, after all the times I've told her that the reason I moved out of that fircken hellhole was to get away from everyone there!!!! Not to just have a bigger flat! If I lived in that room, without those people living around me, I'd be happy, but no. They were iving around me, so I moved and now they're still trying to feed off my emotions, my kindness, my help and how much I care about others and not myself. Well she can go feed off someone else because I'm Sick to death of her and others feeding off me!!!!!!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR I just want to be able to live MY life the way that I want to, without them constantly bugging me. Just f--k off somewhere else!!!!! Sigh. Sorry. They enrage me so much because all they ever do is take, take, take, never give back and I'm sick and tired of it!! All I veer do is give to others and it's killing me...It's making me seriously ill and they know this!!!

This is the only place I can truly just release everything, get it off my chest, vent. And I'm sorry you all have to put up with it... I guess sometimes... I just get so frustrated with everything and it all builds up and I'm just so, so sick of it