I don't know what to say... She says she cares.. But everyone else says she doesn't... But how can she not when she's just trying to make me happy and whenever I eat she tells me I'm letting myself down, not making myself happy, just making myself fatter and feel worse... Which is true... She knows what she's talking about... I know that I want to get better in the sense that I want to work on The Adoptive Family and what their motives are and why they treated me like they did, what i did to cause that. I want to understand myself, the way I think, the people I let myself get involved with, how much I punish myself to carry on what they used to do because I think I deserve it...I don't want to concentrate on the food right now.. I just want to concentrate on the stuff underneath that..

Me trying to be perfect for them is what they want... That's all I want to do.. Is just give them what they want and everything'll be okay, they'll love me and accept me and want me around. The one person that truly accepts me for who I am is Anna, my cousin. I love her so much, yet they don't let her see me because I'm poison to her mind. Yeah. That's me. Poison. Everything I touch, look at, do, is poisoned by me.

Connor and I talked about this yesterday. He said that the thorough checkup is inevitable and I may as well get it done sooner than later because I'm just making it worse by postponing it. I told him that i can get better and make everything better, so the checkup isn't inevitable. I guess I'm scared of seeing how bad it is and scared of my gp finding out too and pushing me to get better and trying to make me eat and take meds to make me put on weight. I couldn't cope with that. For now my mouth is zipped tightly shut.

I just feel like everyone's out to force me to do what I least want to do everyone IRL, I mean..