I know there's nothing wrong with it... For anyone else.. But somehow, for me it's different. Nobody else is weak when they cry, but I am. Oh yes, I'm always weak, whether I'm smiling, laughing, frowning, crying, joking or whatever. I'm weak. Always have been and still am. I hope I won't always be weak. I'm working on not always feeling weak and vulnerable. I guess because whenever I cried before, I was vulnerable and I was always attacked somehow, whether it be physically, sexually or mentally. I was ALWAYS attacked. I guess I'm scared of that happening now and that's why I won't let myself be vulnerable by crying. I'm scared that someone will laugh at me, like everytime I cry now, that sound of HER cackle, the evil, spiteful, nasty, conniving, hateful laugh. I hate it. Ugh. I hate being reminded of her.

I just wish I didn't have all this playing on my mind, I wish I didn't get flashbacks, sleepless nights, panic attacks, the shakes, depression, PTSD. GRRRRR.

Last night was scary... Just as I closed my eyes to sleep, they were snapped open again after I saw a flash of silver in the form of a knife or sword. It scared me s--tless, but i was just too tired to jump out of bed and switch my light on, so I flashed the light on my phone around the room to check that I was safe. I started to get the shakes a bit and when I closed my eyes again, I saw a young boy's face, his eyes had a pleading, upset look in them and I have been thinking about this all day, wondering why on Earth I had this... I couldn't sleep for a little while after that, but because my body was so exhausted, it finally let me sleep.

It's been said that headlice are going around the building again. Sigh. I'm so glad I don't live here, but it means keeping my hair tied up again. I ranted to Connor today about people at the YMCA and he got quite angry at who I was talking about. He asked why I don't just stop doing the breakfast club and washing up for everyone else when they're too ******* lazy to do it themselves. I told him it's something for me to get up for in the mornings. If I didn't have that, I'd be in bed right now doing nothing and feeling more depressed than ever starving myself. That I would hate. He especially got angry at one of the staff members being quite cocky to me today. He didn't think it was professional, ro polite at all and certainly not to a 17 year old who cares so much about what others think of her and say to her. GRR. He's a grumpy old man and he does my head in!!!!

I like the progress that I am making on having more for myself and less for others. I'm finding it hard, but I'm getting there. I'm also glad that I slept! I spent a wonderful day with Connor today and he cheered me up hugely, but the picnic we had was just awkward and I almost cried and just... Ugh. I hated it I found it very hard after not eating for 2 days. I just wanted to make him happy, though. I wanted to"prove" that I can do it, that I will make myself better. I told him that there would've been no point in going for blood tests today considering I was eating for him, because it wouldn't have showed up anything like the fact that I hadn't been eating for a few days on and off.

I don't want to go there yet. Just not ready yet.