They are the same, they really are. But I just cannot seem to let go! Everytime I do something to "meet their standards", they raise up another standard to reach and I can't do it anymore. I try so ******* hard, but I'll never be perfect, right, for them. I can't accept that though... I just keep standing my ground and pushing myself harder and harder everytime. I want their approval so much because they took me in to love me, support me, want me, care about me, cherish me as their own. I want their approval so much because they have high expectations and they seem to know how to meet such high standards and I just want to be able to meet such high standards too. I want to be me, but at the same time I know they'll never accept me for who I want to be, but I feel like maybe if I just make myself as good as they want me to be, if I push myself, maybe they will love me and want me. I want their approval because... Because I feel like everyone likes them because they have such high standards. I don't know

Yes, it makes me want to gain more control through denying myself food and yes, they know that by forcing me it's making me worse a lot of the time, but they just don't seem to see another way. Connor tries so hard and I know he does. I'm opening up to him about it a little more. Today I admitted I'd been on sites checking calorie and fat gram charts etc. I admitted that I was struggling. I found it really hard, but all he said was "but baby... Are you doing that now? Because i don't want you to be doing that because it's destroying you..." I told him that I do sometimes, but not often and that I'm trying to avoid it. He seemed happy with that. I just... I wish I could just get through this. I wish I could just eat, just accept who I am and not let anyone disrespect me for who I am. Of course, not everyone will like me, I'm not expecting that... I just want those who are important to me to just... Want me to be me, who just love me for being me and want to be friends with me, for being me. You know? That's all I ask... but I feel like if I show that little girl inside of me, the one that is the true me, they'll all run away.. I couldn't deal with that...

I feel so drained today. I have done much thinking and it has exhausted me so much more