((((all)))))

well... all that stuff i have been processing about my dr's and attachment.... I took it all in last night - and all everyone's posted advice (minus names). I knew she'd hit me with my email where I let slip i was holding back. Prior to that we'd gotten onto the topic of one of the abusive events.... and i told her, in comparing that to this attachment thing, I'd rather talk about the abuse, it's easier. she was shocked.
It was totally hard. i sobbed thru most of it. she even kept me an extra 45 min @_@ because i was such a wreck. But it is out, t said it was a really good session and she is glad we discussed all of it. But today i feel like I've been run over with a paving truck. Totally flattened, drained, and... somehow... greiving i guess. We determined that there was no need for her to tell any of it to the other dr (the DO) because it would not serve me or her. And T confirmed that she still saw me and her in the same loving light as always. But it was clear that DO is not the right dr for me. A. is financial (which I had never known and wish she'd of just TOLD me back in Nov) and B. is energetically. I need stability from my dr's in their personalities (which i have in 2 of them) because I am still too much of a chamelion to work with people who switch from friend to t to professional dr back to friend all in one apointment.

THe part that still concerns me is that T was very explicit in making sure that she goes the extra mile for me and will see me even when she won't see others because she knows how much i need it. that felt really uncomfortable. My conscious self is very careful of other's needs and lives. My unconscious self still feels that my needs are damned important and should be met!!! It is a difficult contradiction to live with. Made more uncomfortable by the fact that someone so important to me can see it. =(