I am having a hard time because of therapy. I have a very blank mind of my childhood. I know of the bad things that happened, but what gets me is when I am asked about things I can not remember. So I think and search trying to find the answers. I do not obsess over it however I get very frustrated at how little I actually remember. Last session I was asked about sleeping arrangements growing up being the only girl out of 5 kids. All I could tell the T was I had my own room when we first moved into the home I spent most of my childhood in. I remember being put into a small room like a walk through closet that all 4 brothers had to go through to get to their room, then as a punishment for not keeping my room how my mother liked it was switched with one brother. I shared a room at that point with 3 of the boys and was eventually put back in the closet as I call it. It was small enough for a twin bed and 1 chest of drawers. I also knew at the age of 19 when I moved out I did actually have my own room no one had to go through. So she starts asking how old was I when the arrangements took place. Now I feel like a fool because I could not answer her! So in a quest to not feel so stupid I did find 1 photo to answer the only question I can now answer I was 16 when I got my own room back. The rest.....I do NOT know. I am frustrated even though I knew I could not remember most of growing up only that the bad did happen. I want to try to remember the GOOD not the bad. I am just wondering how many others have issues like this and if it totally frustrates you like it is me. I have only been in T since March and I am 41. There is so much of my life that is blank, and since an assault in October, I have been dissociating a lot and doing things like making phone calls in the middle of the night I have NO memory of. I have not even mentioned this to my T but she does know I dissociate because I do it during sessions. I am still having trust issues with her and not sure about telling her about my actions of late.

Anyway, I am just wondering how many people have the issues with the blank memories of growing up. I did tell her it annoys me I can not remember and try to find the answers and was told that it is very common due to trauma. That does not make me feel any better because I want the answers, I hate feeling stupid when I am asked these questions and do not have the answers. Sometimes it almost feels like someone else lived my life for me.....I want to find that person to get the answers. I hope this makes sense to someone because it is a very lonely feeling at times when you can not remember and worse you can not stop the thinking that therapy causes.