I am so sick right now….literally I can’t eat. I don’t even know what to do. I’m sorry this is so long. It was just horrible.
I went in to see my T after sending that long email to her and her saying she was not planning on terminating our work.
Well, when I get there she says let’s talk about it. I said, I really don’t know what to say. She said how about the way you felt about it. I said it hurt that you were changing my appointment so much. She said, you never told me, I said I know, because I have a hard time saying no. But I am telling you now. She said it’s good to say how you feel.
Then she says 8 times (cancellations & changes in time, after they were already scheduled), I didn’t know you were keeping track. I said well I wasn’t in the beginning but it kept happening and started to bother me. She thinks it was unusual that I did that. I mentioned the psych central posts, how many of you said you would be so upset by frequent cancellations as well. She says, your always looking for responses from other people. I said well I want to know that what I think or feel is normal. She said it’s not about normal. I was getting so upset, yes, I started crying.
I said my friend goes to a counselor 2 times a week in a private practice, she’s been going the same amount of time, and her T has never cancelled once yet. She said, she goes two times a week, why would she have to go twice a week? I said she was having a hard time in the beginning and that’s what they offered. I could tell she thought that wasn't good. Then she said it’s not the norm for T in private practice to not cancel more than those in centers. She said, in centers they are usually always there because someone keeps their schedule for them. (I was thinking you’ve got to be kidding me, it would make it harder if someone kept your schedule rather than you.) Are there therapist on this site, is it really normal for T in private practice to cancel more frequently?
We talked more for a bit I wish I could remember it all. I wish I recorded it so badly; she was getting so frustrated with me. One time she quickly sat up in her chair and huffed when I menitoned something I was upset about. I said are you pis*ed at me, she goes, no I’m not pis*ed at you. What if I were frustrated, don’t I have a right to be?
She says, I don’t think I am what you need.( I was thinking you’re kidding me, you just sent me and email telling me you are not going to terminate, then this). I said all I am asking for is some consistency. She said no you want absolutes and I can’t give you an absolute. I said I am not asking for that.
I said the same thing is happening that happened with my old counselor, she started a new practice far away and was moving along. My T says, I’m not like your old counselor. I said it’s still the same, I wish I knew this in the beginning, I would never have gone through this. I said you have no idea what this feels like to me, I can’t do this all over again with someone else. My first two experiences with T’s and both are moving on. She said I’m not going anywhere. I just can’t offer you consistency…
She said when you started seeing me, I didn’t know about the change either. The thing is she is still going to work in her private practice 2 nights a week, along with her full time job. She could see me one of those nights. She said I’m not trying to get rid of you, I said well, with all this stuff your saying, how am I suppose to come see you, how is it supposed to be normal with all of this in between us, she said people work through it. I’m just telling you that I don’t think I am what you need.
She used the word transference; I said this is not transference, who would not get upset with so many changes? I wanted to blurt out COUNTER transference so bad, because that’s exactly what this whole thing felt like to me. I never had these issues with my old T and I saw her for longer.
And if it were transference, hello, let’s see, I was sexually abused by three men, one being my step father. Then my mom just died this past year, I have a lot of need for knowing someone is going to be there right now.
Then later she says in my years of practice no one has ever complained about my canceling. I was shocked. Especially after reading all your comments on psych central about how upset you would be if that happened. I said have you changed another client’s appointment as many times as mine? Then I said maybe they were afraid to tell you. I was until the email last night.
Then she says, I will be away for three weeks in july. She said what do you think about that? I said you need a vacation we all do. She said it’s not vacation its personal leave. She said, I won't be going away. Then in a crappy tone says, “ and there will be NO emailing during that time”. That killed me. It was like she was just shoving all this stuff in my face. Like she was trying to p*ss me off. I said am I seriously your only patient who emails you, she snapped back with, you don’t need to know that.
Then she says “I don’t even have a name of someone I could send you to that wouldn’t cancel like I have”. At that point I felt like there was seriously something wrong with me that she could not even refer me to someone. She said maybe a center in ### #### for people who have been sexually abused. Mean time, I am balling, feeling totally hopeless and she’s like I’m sorry I hurt you. I wasn't convinced, I have seen her when she was caring, that was not it.
I am sitting there in aw……all I asked for was some consistency. I told her that, and then I said, what are you saying, that I need too much? I said I just need a little consistency that was my whole point in finally bringing this up to her. It was not to attack her. She said no you need more than that, you kept track of how many times I cancelled. She said I can’t be available for you like that. I said, once a week, one session at that same time, once a week with cancellations in an emergency.
She said I’m not trying to get rid of you. I said what am I supposed to think with all that you just told me. She said we are not coming up with a resolution here. I repeated that all I am asking for is consistency. She said I can’t promise that and if I don’t you’re going to get upset. I said, so you really don’t want to see me. She said I didn’t say that, I just don’t think I am what you need.
Then she says our time is up, (while I am a mess), just cut the session right off, then says how about you come next week and by then you will have had a week to think on it. And won’t think what I am doing is wrong. (WHAT)
There was so much more that I can’t even remember right now. It was the most horrible experience of my life. I don’t understand it for the life of me. Please be honest with me, was I really asking too much to have someone be consistent with me? I don’t even want to look into another counselor after this, I don’t think I could do it; I have so lost trust right now.