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Originally Posted by hangingon
I went in to see my T after sending that long email to her and her saying she was not planning on terminating our work. Well, when I get there she says let’s talk about it. I said, I really don’t know what to say. She said how about the way you felt about it. I said it hurt that you were changing my appointment so much. She said, you never told me, I said I know, because I have a hard time saying no. But I am telling you now. She said it’s good to say how you feel.
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it sounded like it started off well with her wanting to know how you felt.
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Then she says 8 times, I didn’t know you were keeping track.
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this seems defensive to me where she said she didn't know you were keeping track.
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I said well I wasn’t in the beginning but it kept happening and started to bother me. She thought that was bad that I did that.
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did she say that or was that more the impression you got?
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I mentioned the psych central posts how many of you said you would be so upset by it. She goes your always looking for responses from other people. I said well I want to know that what I think or feel is normal. She said it’s not about normal. I was getting so upset, yes I started crying.
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she has a bit of a point in that there is going to be quite a bit of variation in how ts interact with their clients generally (e.g. whether or not or how much they allow phone calls, email, touch, etc) but somehow it seems at the least not helpful to you and at worst defensive and deflecting the issue. canceling is just unprofessional and not really a negotiable when it is a pattern imo.
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Then she said it’s not the norm for T in private practice to not cancel often.
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like i said before this is total b.s.
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She says, I don’t think I am what you need.( I was thinking you’re kidding me, you just sent me and email telling me you are not going to terminate, then this).
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to give her the benefit of the doubt, because she feels she can't provide you with the consistency you need i think she is saying she doesn't think she is what you need. i don't think she is trying to terminate you but to just tell you that she probably can't do this and so it would probably continue to be a problem and that wouldn't be helpful to you.
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I said all I am asking for is some consistency. She said no you want absolutes and I can’t give you an absolute.
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her response here is ridiculous. maybe in her peer group of ts it is normal to cancel but this is not the norm for ts generally nor is it the slightest bit professional.
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She said when you started seeing me, I didn’t know about the change either. The thing is she is still going to work in her private practice 2 nights a week, along with her full time job. She could see me one of those nights. She said I’m not trying to get rid of you, I said well, with all this stuff your saying, how am I suppose to come see you, how is it supposed to be normal with all of this in between us, she said people work through it. I’m just telling you that I don’t think I am what you need.
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i think it's good that she is willing to work things thru and since she's sent you an email since the appt it sounds like she would like to work things thru although she is concerned it may not work with your needing consistency. i think what you are asking for is totally reasonable and if she really can't provide that then it is wise to reconsider continuing with her.
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She used the word transference; I said this is not transference, who would not get upset with so many changes? I wanted to blurt out COUNTER transference so bad, because that’s exactly what this whole thing felt like to me. I never had these issues with my old T and I saw her for longer.
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i don't think this is transference and it seems a bit manipulative to me for her to suggest that. did you tell her you didn't have this problem with your old t who you saw longer?
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And if it were transference, hello, let’s see I was sexually abused by three men, one being my step father. Then my mom just died this past year, I have a lot of need for knowing someone is going to be there right now.
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you are dealing with a heck of a lot but i still don't think it's transference from what you've said and generally from reading your posts.
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Then later she says in my years of practice no one has ever complained about my canceling. I was shocked. Especially after reading all your comments on psych central about how upset you would be if that happened. I said have you changed another client’s appointment as many times as mine? Then I said maybe they were afraid to tell you. I was until the email last night.
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in all fairness to her maybe no one has ever complained to her so she was really caught off guard in something she has been doing that i bet she does know deep down is inappropriate. this is her issue not yours hanging on. it does seem like there is countertransference going on here but i'm not a professional so take that with a handful of salt.
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Then she goes and says, I will be away for three weeks in july. She said what do you think about that, I said you need a vacation we all do. She said it’s not vacation its personal leave. (what’s the difference, really?). Then she goes with such a crappy tone, “ and there will be NO emailing during that time”. That killed me. It was like she was just shoving all this stuff in my face. Like she was trying to p*ss me off. I said am I seriously your only patient who emails you, she snapped back with, you don’t need to know that.
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sounds like things were really degenerating here. i think she was realizing belatedly that she needs to set some boundaries about things (e.g. email) and obviously did it at the wrong time and in the wrong way. i do think it is best to know up front what a t's policy is on phone calls and emailing. they really set themselves and their clients up for problems by not making that clear from the beginning. if you do decide to find a new t it would be good to ask or set something up with them about this at the beginning.
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Then she says “I don’t even have a name of someone I could send you to that wouldn’t cancel like I have”. At that point I felt like there was seriously something wrong with me that she could not even refer me to someone. She said maybe a center in ### #### for people who have been sexually abused. Mean time, I am balling, feeling totally hopeless and she’s like I’m sorry I hurt you. It was not convincing by any means.
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she really handled this poorly. for me, i don't know if i'd go back seeing this is how she acts when confronted on something. i've dealt with friends who response like this when i've had to bring something up to them and i find it crazymaking. i finally ended a friendship over this sort of blame-shifting.
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Then she says our time is up, (while I am a mess), just cut the session right off, then says how about you come next week and by then you will have had a week to think on it. And won’t think what I am doing is wrong. (WHAT)
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no! she is the one who needs to think on this and realize she is most definitely in the wrong.
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Please be honest with me, was I really asking too much to have someone be consistent with me? I don’t even want to look into another counselor after this, I don’t think I could do it; I have so lost trust right now.
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you absolutely were not asking too much. i don't know, i think part of the point of therapy is to learn to communicate and have it be safe with the t to practice on. so many of us have never done this stuff before so we just aren't needing a t to be the "difficult one". we need them to be safe so we can develop some trust that we can do it with others. unless your t gave you a huge apology and realized how defensive and awful she acted i personally would not go back. i think you are right to lose trust in her for now. maybe she can earn it back. i hope so. i am just so very sorry you experienced this. please don't let it turn you off therapy. there are good ones out there.
