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Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies
You do know they're both me..? How? I guess it's because I've shown that side of me here. Heh. I don't know if people know me more than I give them credit for... i honestly don't think they do, because I don't let on at all. I clam up
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I can't always say exactly "how" I get a sense of where someone's coming from -- but yes, hun, you
have shown us different sides of you, we can see you're a lot like us, and when we try putting ourselves in your place we sort of "see" what fits and what doesn't. (Can anyone else say this a little better?)
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Heh. Yeah. I know it's different for everyone else, always have. I just don't get why it's so bad for me to cry. I try to when I feel like I need to, but something inside me stops me and I just don't know what it is yet...
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I'd think crying would trigger you, so you'd only cry when you didn't mind being triggered or when you couldn't help it. And one of the things you do when you're triggered is think bad things about yourself. I don't know how you are when you see other people around you get triggered, but I'm guessing you accept it a lot more easily than when it happens to you. In that case, you might be inclined to let others mostly be the way they are, and think bad things mostly about yourself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies
...I want to be thin, like they want me to, to be perfect like they want me to be... Because of always being called fat and ugly and not good enough and disgusting [etc.] ... Even when no matter what heavy jumpers I wore, my bones protruded, I still thought I was fat because they told me so!
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It doesn't sound to me as if they're your friends. They seem to have had stuff going on with them that made them unable to appreciate you. I'm wondering if they even honestly thought you were fat (or honestly cared) -- or if they just knew they could get your goat by
telling you you were.
You may not be able to see this quite yet, but when you try to get thinner to prove them wrong, from here it looks just as if you were sticking up for them: "You were right, I was too fat, if I get this thin will you appreciate me? This thin? How about
this thin?" I don't know about this; I'm not convinced they'll be ready to start appreciating you even if you waste clean away.
Oh, and the other weird thing is:
they didn't (couldn't?) appreciate you -- so now we get to watch
you acting like you don't (aren't able to?) appreciate yourself? What, are you in league with them or something?!
(Just a guess, but here it is anyway: I'll bet they had a hard time appreciating
themselves -- so they took it out on
you.)
Take care of yourself -- and whatever you do, don't let them tell you how to go about it.
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Living well is the best revenge.