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It's difficult for me too because I've always been very respectful of my parents and somehow I feel like putting up with her insults is just my "lot" in life. She also has her moments when she's helpful - she's bailed me out financially a few times and helped me to obtain my education. But everything always comes with a price and that price is killing my spirit! On top of those reasons...my dad has had an illness for which there is no cure and has been sliding downhill for three years. He isn't expected to live much longer and to take a stance now would completely destroy him.
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YES it's abuse. No doubt about that. And what you describe here is VERY typical of abusive patterns in families. Feeling ungrateful for what little your parent gives you, considering yourself a "bad child" if you "disrespect" them by calling their behavior what it is, etc.
LOVE SHOULD NOT COME WITH A PRICE. REAL LOVE DOES NOT. A child does NOT "owe" her parents for giving her something. Healthy parents love their children unconditionally and unendingly AND they do not hurt those children- physically, emotionally, sexually, or otherwise.
Your mom is a very sick person, and you don't have to excuse her behavior. She is completely in the wrong.
I am so sad for you, for all the pain you have experienced at the hand of someone who was supposed to nurture, support, and loving guide you.
~Angela