I wish I could change it, though...

You can change it. Next time you find yourself in this situation where you want to cry but won't tell yourself what is holding yourself back and work through it in that moment. It might take a few times but doing this will rewrite the messages that you have. This has worked great for me.

I know that one reason i starve so much is because I want to be thin, like they want me to, to be perfect like they want me to be... Because of always being called fat and ugly and not good enough and disgusting, repulsive, chubs, fatty, heffalump. Ugh. No wonder I think I'm fat! Even when no matter what heavy jumpers I wore, my bones protruded, I still thought I was fat because they told me so! GRRRRRRR

Same with this. Keep reminding yourself why you are doing what you are doing and try to change these messages. Why would you want to still respect their messages? Are these respectful people???????

I hate what they've done and said... I just want to be okay. I just want to be happy. I just want my angel back. I just want to be NORMAL.

You can work through this. Keep up your good work............