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I am sending you this email along to clarify some things.
When I went in to see you yesterday, it was nothing like I had imagined it would be, especially having just received an email the night prior saying you were not going to terminate our work. I went in thinking phew; we can work through this. I had just told you something huge for me to tell you, something I have been sitting on for awhile but was too afraid to speak up about.

All I wished for was for you to say, I’m sorry, I didn’t know my changes/ cancellations bothered you so much. I can’t prevent the unexpected but I will do my best to keep what you mentioned in mind. That’s it; that would have been a huge relief just to have you recognize that you heard me; to make a plan with me. But instead, I got, I’m not what you need. Maybe you said that because you did hear me and that’s your conclusion. But you didn’t hear me correctly if so.

Here’s the thing, I was so blindsided by your statement. I have seen you for six months and we never had an issue like this, ever. In all that time, you had never said or lead me to believe that you were not what I needed. I was stunned that you would make such a judgment call after reading one email. I have not bothered you, yes emails occasionally, of course with your permission. Haven’t called you, even though you said I could. But now you are not what I need, because I brought up the issue with changes.

The whole purpose of therapy is to work through things, one of those things being communication; many people who go to therapy have a hard time speaking up. This is nothing new. I told you I had a hard time with it from the beginning. When I started seeing you, you told me your specialty was dealing with sexual abuse. I was so happy to find a counselor that I felt pretty comfortable with in that field after the first session.

What amazes me is that your specialty is sexual abuse, yet, you have never had issues with consistency. If anything, trust and consistency are MOST important with those who have been abused, and I must add for most anyone in therapy.

Please try and think back on your therapy experience, you told me that you went for 7 years before even going for psychology counseling. How did it make you feel when your therapist cancelled? How did those sessions make you feel in general? You said there were times when you didn’t even want to go and your therapist would say come in and let’s talk about it. Therapy is not easy, and it does have it bumps. (You don’t have to respond to those prior questions)

I went in yesterday hurting. I tried to express what I was feeling, in what was supposed to be a SAFE place. Yet, I got reaction, things brought into the room that probably should not have been there. To the point, I didn’t even want to tell you what I was really feeling. I could sense your frustration, in your tone, in your body gestures, and I could see it in your face. Maybe it was counter transference, maybe you are going through things as well, I don’t know. All I know is what happened was something that I don’t think should have happened the way it did.

The thing is, I should be angry, but I’m not, I am more disappointed at that whole experience. I was finally trying to express myself but was getting shut down. You kept telling me it was ok to express myself but your reactions were not showing me it was safe to do so.

I understand you saying, you don’t think you’re what I need. But I think everyone in therapy needs consistency. I wasn’t asking you for a miracle #####. I wasn't asking for extra time. I wasn’t asking you to take me in, to let me become part of your family but I felt like you were pushing me away in that sense. All I was asking was for you to maybe be more sensitive about appointments, that’s it. I didn’t ask for the same hour every week, or same day every week, just that you could see me weekly apart from emergencies ect.

To say that you could not even think of a name to refer me to that wouldn't change/cancel appointments like you was divisive. How do you think that made me feel sitting there? That one is going to take a while to get over. Thats a line that would hurt anybody.

I am to see you next week. I have no idea what’s going to happen then. I’m sorry I disappointed you by my speaking up about what I thought. It wasn’t my intention to attack you by bringing that issue up; it was just to have you take notice of how it made me feel. I thought it was safe to do that, maybe I was wrong.
If we can't work this out, and it is to end, I truly don't want it to end on a bad note.
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