I've been on medications for several years now. I've had a couple instances of very mild hypomania since being on meds. Everything is very well controlled with the medication. Before meds, my behavior during manic episodes was dangerous, but I never did anything that got me into much trouble.

I'd be lying if I said that I didn't miss some aspects of it. I used to have periods of great energy and great accomplishment. It was like I was unstoppable and I could do so much in such a short amount of time. Employers used to be shocked by my performance. Quick promotions were the norm for me.

Now I feel like I'm just "average" for lack of a better word. Sometimes I still get brief periods of heightened intensity I would say, but it never lasts. It's always suppressed by the medication.

Right now I'm back in school part-time, pursuing my third degree. It's going to be a lot of work.

But now I have to figure out how I'm going to stay motivated enough for 5 years or more to get through school again while working full-time and supporting a family of 4. And I have to figure out how to deal this as a person who can't rely on bursts of energy and unstoppable drive. And I have to say, that bums me out a little.

Basically, I need to deal with it like any other person would. It's just hard sometimes. I used to be superman, although dangerous, it was a natural and intense high that could be sustained without drugs.

It's almost like I wish I could indulge in mania as a forbidden pleasure; an illicit drug of sorts. It was like I had special abilities greater than anyone else. Now I don't have that, and I wish I could...even for a few days.

Blah...