Hangingon,

I don't come to psychcentral often and so haven't followed your previous threads. I read this thread and it made me feel so sad for you.

I see my T twice weekly (and as for your T's comments on that - well there are different kinds of therapy and with some types it's normal to see a therapist twice ... or even 4 or 5 times a week). In my case, it helped me connect and trust with him.

Like you, I too have big issues with consistency and trust - probably linked to childhood abuse. I've seen my T for over 2 years, twice a week, and he canceled for the first time just a few weeks ago. It brought up a lot of feelings and *anger* in me and he canceled because he was ill. I knew my anger was unreasonable and I felt ashamed of myself but I was able and safe to share how it felt - both my rational self, which was very concerned for him, and my irrational self that wanted to scream at him for leaving and tell him I'd never trust him again! The last weeks due to various unavoidable circumstances (canceled trains, public holidays... his vacations, my vacations) my time has been changed or I could only see him once in a week. But it's shaken me and he's worked hard to restore my sense of safety.

As for counting missed sessions - what's odd about that? It's sensible in any case to check you're not being charged for a session you don't attend, and when the number gets that high, anyone would start wondering what's going on.

Now, I take my experience and I compare it with yours - I think your reaction is normal for someone in your situation - I think you have coped admirably considering the number of times your T has canceled. I too would be devastated by the things she said in the last session. She doesn't seem to have a clue how this feels. The therapist represents something (someone) very special to the patient/client - my therapist once said "just remember I've been where you are, and I know how it feels". The comment your T made about taking personal leave and NOT being contactable seemed plain insensitive. There are ways to say these things and times to say them - and she seemed to say it in that moment because it would cause hurt or to make a point. If my T would say that, I'd worry something awful was happening - it would make me feel abandoned and unwanted. Actually, it's the kind of hurtful thing my mother would say, which is in effect "I'm taking time for myself, it's none of your business what or why I'm taking that time and I'll be 'around' but I'm going to be unavailable to you, so tough".

This is just so sad. I know whatever happens with this T it's going to be painful, and I don't know the history/what's come before. My feeling is that there are really good T's out there - ones who get you and get 'this' and would never dream in a million years of conducting a session like your last one. Your current T sounds defensive. Maybe she is having a personal crisis and can't function enough to do her work. I think you deserve better, much better. She's going to be unavailable for a few weeks, why not consider interviewing for someone else. I'd be thankful she hasn't got anyone in mind she will refer you to as if she finds this kind of treatment acceptable of a therapist, who knows what her colleagues think.

I don't know what kind of therapy you have but perhaps a therapy where the therapist a) has had their own analysis/therapy as part of their training and b) where the focus is on attachment and transference and THE RELATIONSHIP are emphasized would be more suitable?

Take care and reassure yourself that you are NORMAL in the way you feel. T's of all people should be reliable and consistent. If you had another kind of doctor and they kept canceling, would you keep seeing them? How about a hairdresser - you turn up and they're not there... I can't think of any profession when this kind of behaviour would be 'ok' - and therapists should be the masters of consistency. It sounds a bit like this T of yours is using her authority to get away with unprofessional behaviour and when someone dares to confront her she becomes defensive and dare I say 'abusive'.

Be safe, take your time, and when you're ready start to look forward once more. It's hard but there is someone out there waiting to be your perfect T.

Onzi