I guess I would send the email only if I had decided I did not want to ever see her again. It's kind of like a parting closure, and in fact, I would expect her to respond, if at all, with more defensiveness, blaming, etc. So if you don't need to hear that, you could block her from your email after you send your message.

If you do plan to see her either one last time or on a continuing basis, I would say don't send the email. That would let her prepare artful statements and arguments against you if you give her warning of what you want to discuss. Instead, distill your letter down to a list of short bullet points for yourself, and go in to the session with your list and tell her you have several points you wish to discuss with her, and then go through them one by one. Don't let her distract you from your course with changing the topic, hurting your feelings, etc. Just politely listen to her response before moving on to your next point. Before moving on, say, "is there more?" And if she has more to say on that point, let her say it, then ask again, "is there more?" until she is all done on that point. Then move on to the next point you want to make. If she gets off topic and is addressing points further down on your list, politely interrupt and say, "I want to discuss that too--it's on my list. But I want to finish up on ________, so can you hold that thought? Now, about this issue..." Just keep the meeting moving so you make sure to cover all the points you have to make. If she responds to your points with something blaming, off-base, or whatever, point out her defensiveness and blaming behavior to her, "it seems like by telling me you treated other clients differently from me and didn't cancel on them because they told you "no", you were taking advantage of me because I was not as confident and secure as they were and able to stand up for myself." Another good response to a person who disagrees with you is, "I understand what you are saying, but I disagree." That lets the person feel heard and also tells them they don't need to keep harping on the topic because you do understand what they are saying.

I thought there were a lot of good points in your letter, but one point was not clear to me, and I think you could tighten that up. That is this paragraph:
I think an important point here is that when she tried to change appointment times with other clients, they said "no", and wouldn't put up with that behavior from her. So she toed the line. But with you, who were very accommodating, she took advantage and walked all over you, canceling again and again, while with other clients who wouldn't take her s**t, she behaved more professionally. I don't think that point comes through in what you wrote. To me, the important thing is that she treated you worse than her other clients because you let her and didn't stand up to her.

In addition, a point you didn't make (and maybe you don't want to--but I would if in your shoes) is how she minced words about how she doesn't cancel appointments with you, she merely changes them. She is playing semantic games with you and I would not let her get away with that. If you are waiting for your appointment at her office or with very short notice, and she calls and says she won't be there, that is a cancellation. You made time for her in your schedule, rearranged your day for the appointment, took the time to travel to her office, and she stood you up. That's cancellation. If she wants to call it "changing" an appointment because she offers to see you the next day, that does not make it any less worse an offense. Don't let her hide behind this difference in words to make her offense seem less worse. She should give you 24 hours notice minimum if she is canceling an appointment or rescheduling. Really, rescheduling/changing an appointment is canceling one appt time and scheduling a second. There is a cancellation embedded in every change. I believe that if she is going to cancel with less than 24 hours notice, she should give you the next appointment for free. If she applies such negative consequences to herself (and tells her clients so they can hold her to this), she may be able to extinguish this harmful and unprofessional behavior in herself. Because if it means she will get less money, maybe she will shape up. Maybe you could offer this suggestion to her as a "problem solving" brainstorm.

Because you feel so unsafe going to see her and there is the possibility she may be very defensive and blaming again, I would consider bringing someone with me to the appointment in order to hold her to professional behavior. It it were me, I would bring my sister with me, and just have her sit in the background during the discussion. The presence of someone else will help keep your therapist from misbehaving; the other person doesn't have to say anything and in fact should not be part of the conversation. I would see this as akin to what they do in the doctor's office when a male doctor or practitioner has to examine a woman with her clothes off. They have a female nurse join them so that there can be no question of abuse or unprofessional conduct. Having a third party there will not only keep your T's behavior in line, but will also protect your therapist, because there will be a witness to her actions and words so that her client (you) could not later accuse her of doing/saying something she didn't. If you want to continue therapy with your T, and you can regain a feeling of safety, then the third person could be eliminated.

As another suggested, I would also minimize the discussion of transference/counter-transference. I see using those terms as just some sort of psychobabble cover up of what really happened. Stick to talking about specific behaviors, actions, and things she said to you, rather than psych labels. Giving something a psych label can be a way of minimizing it. "Hangingon, what I did to you--cancel 8 times--isn't really so bad. You just think it is because it reminds you of your mother. You were simply having transference..." etc. So what if her actions reminded you of your mother (or whoever), that doesn't excuse her behavior! Since she is the psychotherapist and you are not, stay away from the psych lingo because that is her domain and she has more power within it.

hangingon, if you do decide you want to send the letter, I think it might be good to hold off for a day or two, then come back to that decision and the letter. Maybe you will want to change the letter or include things that hadn't occurred to you at this time. You mentioned before that you were going to go to see another counselor about this, a person you have already seen. Maybe you might want to wait to send the email or make a decision on whether you will see your T again or not, until after talking to this counselor.

When is your next appointment with your T scheduled for?

Wow, this is so long. Sorry about that.... Hope you will find something of use. In any case: ((((((((((hangingon))))))))))