The only reason I'm not cutting right now is because T would be disappointed. I don't have any big reasons to do it, but I feel like it anyway. Was holding my own with working way too many shifts and only getting 2-3 hours of sleep in between before going back to work again. Worked one shift on, one shift off, since Friday, ending with graveyard last night. Was doing fine until I left this morning, and now I feel like I'm just crashing.

Turned down a change of position that would have been full-time, salaried M-F 8-4, with a raise. I can't commit to those hours - kids would be unattended (ages 13, 11, 7) and I couldn't really do justice to that and my other (8-15 hours and only 3 per week through the summer) job that I prefer. But I wish that I could do both, and I wish that they valued me enough at what I'm doing that they would pay me more than $6 an hour. I hate that I'm essentially just a disposible resource to them. Something to use up and burn out and replace. A dime a dozen. Most employees there have 2-3 jobs - we can't live on what they pay us!

I came home this morning, and hubby is off today, and he's just playing games on the computer and the 7-year-old drew all over my keyboard (electronic piano-type keyboard) with permanent markers and hubby just lets them run amuck and trash everything, and takes them out to lunch for it after I had said they have no privileges until they clean up the messes they made and write the essays I assigned them, and everybody is blowing me off and I don't have enough energy to do anything about it.

And the more I think about it, the worse I'm feeling. I want to hurt, but not this way.

I don't have anything to complain about. It's all my own stupid fault. And I shouldn't say stuff like that either.

Sorry about this. Oops. T said I'm apologizing for too much too.