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Kiya · Jun 13, 2009, 09:35 PM

I've not spoken or seen my dad or his mom in probably 2 years or more. I walked away from that part of my family due to their abuse.
my dad's given up and (i hear through the wires) refuses to allow my name to be spoken in his house. His mom calls my mom allllllllllllllllll the time and leaves messages to me saying things like "Time's moving on.... I'm not getting any younger..... hope you'll see me some times......" etc.

Today for some random reason, I took a plant to his mom. My plans were interrupted today, i was near a plant greenery, I got some plants for my house, her house was on my way home.... and a voice in my head said i should give her the violet i just bought. I argued with the voice all the way to her house and as I walked up her path. And gave it to her. I told her i couldn't stay but a minute and kept myself with one foot outside (a HUGE step for me in the past 6 years!!!)

I didn't do it to be sweet or really kind because I still really dislike her. It just felt ...i dunno... needed? and... yeah.... like going to the dentist or... other *exams* i guess. I did it for her, not for me. ya know? like i do exams for the body, or teeth, but not for me.

She said it was the best day of the year, she hugged me three times, she touched my long hair (a voice nearly attacked her, wanted to claw her eyes out while another wanted to flee). She said things like "Maybe you'll visit again, maybe I can take you to lunch, maybe... maybe... maybe..."
We talked about my physical illnesses and she said something like "How did *you* cause this?!?" when my dr has been very sure that I understand Adrenal Fatigue was initially caused by my constant need to fight/flight/dissociate from my family - including her.

I felt myself start to shake and the voices grow stronger and the urge to start yelling and acuse her for her part in it. I stayed outwardly calm and left. But have been shakey all the rest of the day, and have seen the effects of the ptsd response out in my actions; overspending, the startings of a panic attack in the store, digging my fingernails into my hand, having skin sensitivities, buying comfort foods that I am allergic to, eating only jojos and (soy) ice cream for dinner, not taking my meds so far tonight when it is highly important to take them right at 6pm (1.5 hours ago)....

just needing to relate right now....