I know it's not going to last forever, and that makes me sad. Because when the summer is over I have to go back to Scotland to a different kind of stress, away from my friends (I'm not particularly close to anyone there) and overloaded with work that's got to be done just because it's a stepping stone to what I really want to do. Not to mention no matter how much I love Scotland and feel comfortable there, it's not my country. In the end I'm always going to want to come back to Canada no matter where I am.

So is this it? I'm just going to be unhappy no matter where I am? Smothered at home, cut off at school, always feeling so lost and alone?

The other thing is that we live in the country. I could walk for hours and not come across any civilization. Which is a good thing some days, but when I need to escape it can be horrible because I never get anywhere. The nearest coffee place (somehow my most relaxing environment) is a twenty minute drive away. And my parents throw a fit every time I get in the car (even though we have one per driver in my family and even though I pay for my own gas). The other night I came home from hanging out with some friends, got in a fight with my brother and went back into town after dinner because I couldn't stand being in the house any more -- I'm pretty sure my mom was ready to blow a gasket because I'd made (gasp!) two trips into town in one day. I don't know why but they make me feel selfish whenever I do anything for myself, even when I NEED to do things for myself. I understand that their lives aren't perfect and that being part of a large family comes with it's stresses, but I'm also an adult and I not only have my own life to live, but I am also mentally ill and simply can't handle a lot of the things I used to before I became depressed. Just because I'm doing better doesn't matter that I'm not going to slip every so often, but when I try to explain that to them it's like they think I'm just not trying hard enough or I'm being melodramatic or something.

Agh. I don't know what I'm going to do. Everything is good -- my parents are good people, my siblings aren't any more difficult than your average 7-16 year-olds, i'm at an excellent school, i've got great friends, i'm home with my dogs who i've missed ALL YEAR, i've got a job so i've got my own money coming in ... -- I just don't feel right. I shouldn't complain but I also don't know how much more of any of this i'm going to be able to stand.