My Support Forums - View Single Post - Sexual pleasure from abuse (warning: somewhat explicit)

Foomph · 02:04 PM

Used the trigger icon just in case...

So last session my T asked me to try and remember if I experienced any pleasure from the abuse. While still in session I said no, not that I recall, no way, never, etc. etc. He said ok, but try and remember if there was (part of my homework for the week). So I've been trying. Hating it, but trying and remembering. As much as I hate to admit it, yes there was some. Just a few flashes, but definitely there. I remember him coming from behind me and wrapping one arm around me and touching me down there with the other and yes, I remember some pleasure. f*c*ity f**k.

So anyway, this morning I googled "sexual pleasure from abuse" and came accross this website: net-burst.net/hope/abuse_pleasure.htm

In reading this s**t, I came across this:

Quote:

Another Devastating Source of Emotional Conflict

We earlier noted that it is the very nature of sex to be so pleasurable as to be highly addictive. The tragic implication is that when one’s introduction to sex is less than wholesome, there is a strong possibility of becoming addicted to some form of sex that is destructive.

This can manifest itself in many ways. For example, it is quite common for abuse survivors to become not just addicted to masturbation but to masturbation combined with fantasies about being raped or molested. They end up perpetuating their own abuse by deliberately combining sexual pleasure with fantasies of being abused. These destructive fantasies persist despite them loathing the sexual abuse they suffered. Others become addicted to promiscuity and/or seek out people who end up sexually abusing them. Still others end up driven by a compulsion to sexually abuse other people.

Now, I am not into abusing others, nor am I promiscuous. In fact, I'm the opposite. I hate sex. I hate anything to do with sex (well, sometimes I don't, I mean, I am pregnant, after all), but it's the exception, not the rule. The whole point of me starting therapy was because of my lack of sexual desire. My hubby couldn't take it anymore, and I couldn't take being this way to him anymore (frigid).

Anyway, the quote above is me to a tee. It's somewhat comforting to know that I am sort-of normal. All of my sexual fantasies and turn-ons revolve around sick and twisted s**t. After all these years I did think I was a bit of a freak for being this way, but as soon as the thought of being sick entered my mind I just pushed it away and ignored it. I would use these deviant fantasies to masturbate (and used hardcore porn-the light stuff never did it for me), do the deed, and then I'd feel extremely sick about myself and my deviant fantasies that I never, ever shared with anyone. My hubby doesn't know, nor would I ever tell him. Then I'd try and forget about it until the urge struck again next time. In the meantime sex was (and still is) a struggle and a duty. My T is trying to help me gwt over this with babysteps. Yes, sometimes sex felt good, but I never had an orgasm with a partner and mostly just waited for it to be over with while trying to pretend I was enjoying it. It was only ever after drinking (usually) and once in a while that I'd get kind of nasty with a partner and feel true pleasure (which still made me feel dirty and nasty and sick and twisted and gross). Even just remembering this and writing it down makes me feel sick.

And now this is where I find myself in married life: all of my sexual pleasure only comes from feelings of being powerless (though I HATE being tied up/playing bondage games), being dominated (surprise surprise), being abused, being forced-upon without will or consent. And i's all only in my mind (like I said, I'll never tell my hubby about this). I don't get any sexual pleasure from feelings of love, warmth, caring, affection, etc, in REAL life from my husband. It's like the two feelings (sexual pleasure and love) are separate and can't cross in my mind. There is no bridge between sexual pleasure and love. I like feelings of love and affection, I crave them. But they don't correlate to sexual anything in me. No urges, desire, drive, responses. Nothing. Power, dominance, a bit of hurt maybe, abuse and force on the other hand, provide all the stimulus I need. I am one sick puppy. But apparently normal. There is comfort in that.

Now, how the hell do I bridge the gap between the two dichotomies? I really don't want to admit to this s**t in therapy. I feel like it's just too embarrassing. At the same time I want to learn how to have sexual feelings from love and affection. I want to put away the shame and embarrassment and have real relations with my husband. I also don't want to traumatize my therapist...he's new and just starting out as a therapist...I don't know if he's dealt with this stuff before (he does have a supervisor though, and I'm sure she's dealt with everything). I also have this compulsive feeling he'd be laughing at me...which I know doesn't make sense, and I do trust him but there's just this pervasive feeling that this is just too much for anyone to handle...including him. Deep down I KNOW he wouldn't laugh at me and probably just be really sympathetic; that it's just me projecting my own feelings of shame on him, because I am the one that laughs at everything in session, whenever stuff gets too hard. It's my defense. instead of crying I laugh when in actuality, crying would probably do me a lot more good.

This is a bit of a revealtion for me; an insight. I always knew I had these weird sexual fantasies but I never related it to what happened to me. And I always tried o ignore what it meant to me to have them and derive pleasure form them. In truth, I never related much of how I am today to what happened to me back then. I guess that was just part of trying to ignore it and hoping it would go away. All these "clues" that I've had all my life are all related back to the abuse that I tried so hard to stamp out of memory. Abuse that I always told myself "wasn't that bad." I did actually tell my T this last session, that it "wasn't that bad" and he wrote it down and said that most victims try to minimize the abuse which helps minimize the pain, shame, embarassment, etc. He said it doesn't work. Obviously not, if here I am in therapy 15 years after the fact.

I have 7 1/2 more months to get my s**t together before the baby comes (unless I miscarry). I really hope I can do it.

Thanks for listening everyone. And sorry, I swear a lot. I don't know why..it makes it seem more real, I guess. Also, I love my T and he is so real. He refers to my abuse sometimes as the s**t, or the "s**t that happened to me". Last time we were talking about something and he said, "well, you had all these feelings of lonliness and at the same time you had all this other s**t happening to you at home". That stuck with me. It just makes it more real, more down-to-earth. It's demystified and not intellectualized when talked about that way. In my experience anyway. Maybe he's just reading me and knows that this is a better way to connect with me, but in any case, it works.