I try asking Pepe , but he refuses to tell me ..



friends cat..

It took me a long time to ask myself that Twill, and My therapist thought it was preposterous! Ignorant codependant me just sat back in my usual submissive abusive trance like state and agreeded.

In other words I just let the man be right because he knew more than I of course.

It woud take me a couple of hours sometimes to write a post. ( still does ) This is due to having so many avenues of thought coming at me . basically my thoughts interupt my thoughts . some times so fast I cannot speack . even as I type this I can imagine him telling me to get a life. ;-(

This same thing happens to me in AA meetings when I try to share. I appear very disscombobulated. Inside I know the gist of what I want to say , It just never makes it out there. I frequentlt give up.

If I go off on a tangent speack Of "A" and then "C" "B" get ommitted and people can't follow.



Maybe some of your friends think your weird and others don't.

I have never had a therapist expain how DID works. And I have never talked about dissociation with a therapist. till just recently in regards to ADHD And this is the first I have thought about all of this. herapists seem t know but the clients can be left in the dark . I too am a trauma survivor . The best way I describe copping is to be able to stare off into space see all thats happening but not beable or refuse to say anything about it. Just collecting data in a hyper aware state.
it takes real courage to confront .Ss children we can't or don't know how to do that , so we internalize all the events stored as visual memories for me.

(about courage to externalize.)

Last week I walked into a conversation betwen husband and wife. I caught the husband saying. with an angry scowl

"i don't pay her XXXX amount of dollars to worry about her dog ,,,,,,,,,,

And I blanked out on the rest because I knew it was about me I was in shock.

My natural state is to internalize it. imediately they saw me there . I knew instinctively they wanted me to move my vehical so he could park his in the garage, He imediately asked me If I wante a drink I curtlt said , NO ,

the wife had gone inside the house ands was looking at me from the door tram.

she came out to chit chat not long after. I told her I heard what her husband said.
She bold face lied .. said her husband wou not say that. I aquiessed went along with thier gaslighting andthey coukd not do enough for me ,

They obviously were sorry but in that lie they made it be my fault.
Such crazey making .. I will distance myself further as in be just buisness like . try to forgive that they could not just be honest and appologize.

I have had this happen to me. Usually it from people who knew me in 12 step meetings and I saw them briefly . They may not have ever spoken to me but they remembered what I shared..

when I speack I need to stare off into the distance as if looking ata black board . Its so I can see my thoughts through imagery . I cannot lok people in the eye much while talking . its due to the struggle of keping my thoughts in alignment also.
So I apear dissconnected to others .

because I am I guess because I have to be .. because my thoughts have to be reigned in . its alot of work.

So people will remember me but I not them.

I also have a hard time remembering names . my mind is off and running and they do not register.
Im great with remembering faces

(about finding pieces of paper with names and numbers . or just telephone numbers.)

I write stuff down and plop it some where like a squirrel who gathers acorns buries them and when they dig them up they know its an acorn but can't recall where they gathered it from

If i would make a drawing with the name or number that would help me remember.
i just thought of that.



LOL!!!! I like your humbleness.

Im sorry you have had a TBI Sensory over load is comon with ADHD too, both internal and external.
Im hit from both sides I think Im hyperactive and innatentive.

And I relate to what you just shared .. I think alot of proccessing is happening durring those dissociating states .

Or maybe its a walling off or deompressing.
but it can be a way of avoiding too.

heck ..

what woud we do if we could not find a way to shut out stimiuli . We be a walking light bulb or lazer beam or nutron bomb.. LOL! I don't know what a nutron bomb is.. LOL!!!!








I have a decompressing zoneout secrect too...

since i need to speack to see my words I talk out loud alot which looks like talking to myself . writting helps because I can see the type .

I read parts of a womans very sad story . It was written by a womans therapist from notes over a 18 year proccess .

I do not doubt it exists . And the brutality of the abuse makes me shiver.

I have had just part of one memory and its still walled off . And i hope it stays that way.


If you have a hard time remembering your childhood this would be difficut to say yes to . Since Ausperger and ADHD are similar the question woud be did you have Auspergers when small .

People with Auspergers are thought to not beable to have empathy . And those With ADHD also appear that way because they are so forgetful or off in another day dream or just lost in thought. thee is also impulsiveness and over steping of anothers peersonal space,

this is allso common with abuse victiums, they had thier space over stepped time and time again physically and verbally.

thus the ned to dissociate , Thus the appearance of not having empathy.

when things are interconnecte I have a dificut time stayig on one topic.

And I can go on for awhile sometimes.

[quote]
Another thought is I have severe pain that went untreated or undertreated for years so now no pain treatments seem to work that well. I suspect I dissociate also as my own method of dealing with severe chronic pain and that that is why I now dissociate so much. From pain and from emotional issues and sensory overload. Because nothing else works and dissociating is cheaper than prescription drugs. I need to discuss this with therapist to see if its logical or just blowing smoke. If I'm babbling I apologize in advance. Others seem to have problems following my train of thought and might call it rambling. Its more like ADD though.
[quote]

I think its the ADD the rambling. but it not rambling .. LOL!

I think your on to somethig about needing to disssociate from physical pain as well

And you are to be comended to do it all without drugs.

So hand flap fidget , dissociate away..

uh well exept for the chow...

I think its good to examine this thay way when peope acuse me of being dissocitve I can atleast verbilize what happening so I can better explain what it i Im doing. And hopefully they won't think Im a danger to thier family for dissociating.

Patricia