Several weeks ago T and I were trying to figure out where my negative thought about myself stem from. I told her I had absolutely no clue, but I think I have figured one of the reasons why I think of myself as inherently bad and that there is nothing good about me.

Growing up I was made to feel that way if I said or did something "bad" or "mean" to my sister. 99% of the time everyone would wag fingers at me making me feel like I was the bad guy (Most of the time it was my sister who started it and I was just reacting to what she did or said). But when my sister did something "mean" or "bad" to me, no one said a word to her. I remember mentioning this to her years ago, before college I think. I asked her, "why is it every time I do or say something to you that is considered mean or bad, everyone jumps at me, but when YOU do the same thing to me no one says a word to you?" She looked at me and smiled. She knew I was right, so she always got a way with treating me like ****. I remember at some point my mom said something along the lines of "well, J is the underdog". So I am thinking, now that I am older and able to make some sense out of it, if you are constantly treating my sister like the underdog all the time, and making me feel like the devil's spawn, even though most of the time it was just plain sibling quarrels, what does that make me? The underdog no one gives a damn about. I liked to think my sister and I were pretty much treated the same, but I always saw just a slight difference in the way she was treated. It may not have been much, but it was enough. Now, I am living feeling and thinking there is nothing good about me. I have yet to figure out what I did exactly though to make them look at her as the underdog and me like some kind of reject...

I wonder if I should share this with T. I am sure she would like me to, as we have been trying to figure out where my negative thoughts about myself stem from. This might be one reason...IDK whatever....