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This is for anyone who wants to be in a sustainable, healthy relationship with a person who has BPD. It is quoted/paraphrased from advice from Robert Friedel, a clinician with substantial expertise in treating BPD, and I think it conveys well what is most needed in this type of relationship:
Consistency in behavior is important. For many people with BPD, chaos rules. Unreliability and betrayal often taint their experiences with others. Recognizing that the relationship will provide constancy and reliability is necessary for the creation and growth of trust.
Honesty is necessary to maintain trust. If you collude with the person with BPD to cheat others, then the person with BPD will expect to be cheated by you eventually. The treating psychologist, particularly, must be incorruptible and steadfast. Since many people with BPD have a history of being exploited, interacting with others who “do the right thing” energizes their hope that the world contains trustworthy people.
Commitment to the relationship must be conveyed. People with BPD fear abandonment, but they also expect it. Because they are often stuck in black-or-white, “splitting” perceptions of others, a person with BPD can find it difficult to grasp that a therapist or a friend can be disappointed, annoyed, frustrated, or even angry with her, yet still remain committed to the relationship.
Flexibility and openness contribute to healthier interactions. People with BPD often plead for directions from others, since they are so often confused about their own identity and feelings. Indeed, people with BPD are often attracted to others who seem self-assured and confident. Unfortunately, such partners may have their own narcissistic issues, which will doom the relationship. One who is tempted to rigidly control or direct the behavior of the person with BPD may eventually become the target of blame when the other side of the need-to-be-controlled coin – the fear of engulfment – emerges.
Perspective is important to maintain when interacting with people with BPD. The tendency to perceive the world in extremes frequently propels the person with BPD to react in desperation, which sometimes gives them the reputation of being “drama queens” (or kings). Refusing to book passage on their cruise to dramatic excess helps keep matters in proportion. Patience, unflappability, and carefully timed humor can be very helpful with this.
Respect and even admiration for the person with BPD’s courage and strength to confront pain and initiate growth is a necessary part of the relationship. Praise and encouragement are very helpful when earned.
Empathy for the pain of a person with BPD is essential. Because many people with BPD function at a very high level, it is sometimes difficult for others to understand their regression to more primitive levels of conduct. When an intelligent, attractive, competent individual indulges in repetitive self-destructive actions, such as pursuing harmful relationships or using drugs, others may have difficulty understanding the underlying motivation. Repugnant or frightening behaviors such as self-mutilation can be formidable obstacles to sustaining empathic contact with others. Maintaining emotional connection with the person with BPD, and working with her to understand and control her behavior, allows the relationship to grow.
Detachment is a necessary and important balance to empathy. Immersion in the cauldron of BPD emotions can be draining. Attempts to totally satisfy all of their needs are doomed to fail and only reinforce unrealistic expectations. Firm boundaries must be maintained. The person with BPD will be disappointed and fling guilt at the treating psychologist who takes a vacation or the boyfriend who spends time with his other friends, but such respite time is important for all parties. It is unhealthy for the treating psychologist or the boyfriend to sacrifice their own interests in response to the demands of the person with BPD; this will only fuel resentment in them, which, in turn, will threaten the calm and accepting consistency which is needed in them. The pressure to feel responsible for the person with BPD must be resisted. Personal time to refresh will allow more patience for future upheavals. The person with BPD can learn and grow from the need to more realistically respond to frustration and place less responsibility on others to provide her comfort. Conforming to predictable limitations also helps the person with BPD to adapt to healthy relationships.
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