THIS COULD POSSIBLY TRIGGER SO DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU FEEL SAFE PLEASE....

I have been trying to be soooooooo good this week. Taking my new dosage of meds from my med dr and doing what my T said. Like doing some things for me, got my hair colored and went shopping with my daughter...worked in my yard some with hubby and tried to relax and I read some of a book he gave me to read on suicide....did some journaling too...but I still was fighting the suicide feelings.... really STRONG ones too and I was so down and out....but smilling on the outside for everyone else...but...nothing I did would help to make me feel good...NOTHING....I was so upset over not seeing my T on Monday our usual day and I got so worked up on Sunday that I SI-ed really bad....the worse I have ever done.... I went really deep...on my arm and I could see the fat cells deep under my skin....that is when I knew I was in trouble because it did NOT hurt....it was like I was in a trance...it bleed a lot and I thought I would not get it to stop and I finally did.....It is now sore... I have been putting neosporin on it but it is a reminder of how BAD I am now....I HATE myself so much.....I want to SI more to punish myself more....this is an endless endless cycle......ugh...Now I am due to see him tomorrow to make up for not seeing him Monday but now I DONT want to go....I just want to say the H*LL with it all and just stay home.....I HATE when I am like this....just want the voices in my head to shut up and for my mind to settle down.....but it NEVER does.....only sleep but then last night I had a NIGHTMARE and woke up screaming NOT good......UGH......HATE all this CR*P.....well .thanks for letting me vent...and NOT judging me or giving me a lecture.....do not know what I would do if I did not have this place to come to talk and vent....thanks all