hi lauru,
you will find you're not alone with this. a lot of ppl with OCD have similar thoughts to you. here is a thread that is currently going on in a different section of PC which you might find helpful to know you are not alone: http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...t=99955&page=1

i dont think you are a bad person or a sick freak, only someone who is getting pounded by intrusive and unwanted thoughts they have no control over.

do you currently see a therapist? i am not asking because i think you are "sick" and need to be "fixed", but because i can see you are in distress and a therapist would be able to help you work through that.