*************trigger content regarding death of parent/abuser*************

















when i was first dx'ed DID, i read some on it. i didn't understand alot of what i was reading, but i felt that i was my responsibility to educate myself as much as i could. i read that many ppl don't recognize DID until the death of an abuser. i never wondered what it would be like to deal with such a death though. now, i've experienced it first hand.

i want to say, first and foremost, i will not bash my father here. that's not what this post is about. i will say...he was amazing, abusive, strong, resilliant...he was my father.

prior to the surgery that ultimately took his life, i'd not seen him for at least 14 yrs. i didn't know where he was. yes, he'd tried to contact me a few times when he was drunk, but i wouldn't respond to that. i will never regret these months that i've spent with him. i got to know the man that the little girl loved as her daddy. he came back when he was ill. it was special. there is not ONE OUNCE of regret.

having said that, i will say that this post isn't about the man my father was. it's about what's happened to my in my journey with him to his death, and afterwards. this is, bar none, the most difficult thing i've experienced in my adult life.

i'm angry that i'm DID...VERY ANGRY. there's so much that i can't connect with about my father's last time, that should be mine! being DID has denied me what is mine to own and cherish. we kept a journal. most of it was just facts written down. when i read it, it's like reading a novel...not something that "i" wrote. there's no connection. I'M ANGRY ABOUT THAT.

i didn't cry excepting once, since about a week before my father passed. emotions were not something i had access to. for the first time, i felt and knew that i was standing very far back and watching my body say and do all of the right things. it didn't touch me...very rarely. i've never had that awareness before...that i know of.

i've been very hard on myself about the lack of emotion "ice queen". it feels as though emotions were being sucked from me through a vaccuum cleaner hose before i even had a chance to experience them. i'm angry about that. maybe it was a good thing for the moment...to fuction and do what i needed to to. however, when it came time for me to honor my father's death and grieve him, the emotion necessary to do that was off somewhere in a vaccuum bag.

i've been highly dissociative since the funeral. i have to go by my journal to know where i'm at on a given day. for instance, i think i'm doing fine and read the journal and know that there's been acting/talking out that i wasn't even aware of.

i was able to "tap" into some of the emotion one night. it wasn't much, but enough to justify to me that i wasn't the number one ice princess in the world. later that night, i went to bed and was lying there waiting for sleep and BOOM. i saw a recent image of my father...a definite memory. then all of the sudden the dam broke. i was flooded completely. memories, emotions and feelings washed over me like never before in my life. it was a very hard, but spiritual almost, experience.

i'm still not doing the best, but i'm much better since that night. i don't know why. i remember mostly good. the bad must be stored somewhere else.

i live in fear that some part of me is really going to act out, because i have almost no knowledge of anyone else coming "front" when they do. i haven't done this much in years.

so, this is my experience right now. i'm completely shattered, but somewhat stable. communication has all but shut down. i feel alone and scared. i fear acting out. i'm getting by.

i appreciate you all so much. there are no words to express how good it feels to know that there are ppl who know what i'm talking about and who care. the same ppl that share their experiences with me and that i can lean on when i need to share mine.

with love and respect,