Today is the worst day of the year for me. My father may have died eight years ago but I am only just beginning to mourn. While I am glad I am healthier than I once was, it is way too hard to deal with this. The year he died he died the day before Father's Day. Last year the date of his death fell on Father's Day. Last year I didn't get out of bed all day. Not to eat, not to smoke, not even to go to the bathroom. I'm actually proud of myself this year for not doing the same. I just need some support. I keep having these flashbacks of my dad's suffering. The seizures, weight loss, and at the very end delerium. I keep feeling the anger I felt when I thought the ambulance didn't come fast enough, when the ICU room was so full of people that 'cared' for my dad, that I didn't get time to say good-bye. I feel the anger I felt towards my mom for her breakdown, the pressure she put on me to take care of the family, which pushed me into my first manic episode. How would my life be different? Would I have bipolar disorder or BPD? Would he have been able to take care of me when I got sick instead of throwing me into a residential psychiatyric facility like my mom did? I miss him so much its unbearable. I want to give into my old urges and drink til I can't think or even speak, I want to SI. I want to take all my meds and sleep and sleep and sleep.