I did feel guilty, but I don't now. I had a good night on Saturday with friends and Connor, but Connor did something to make me feel unimportant and spoke to my friend saying to her to tell me something that he could've told me himself because I was sat RIGHT THERE!!!!! So I kicked off and told him how it made me feel --- unimportant, not cared about, unloved, hated, not wanted, hurt and angry. He went out for a bit with a couple of guys that were there. I sat feeling upset and hurt. Then that brought back the feelings from the time that Bryony and Shana acted like I didn't exist when I was sat behind them in the car about 2 years ago and they were b-tching about me whilst I was sat there. That made me cry when Connor and I got into bed, so I started to feel like Bryony didn't care that she wasn't with me for our Birthday, like she wanted to rub it in that it's all my fault and that she hates me for it and stuff. So yeah. I felt awful then.

Sunday was okay, Monday was difficult because Connor cooked me a meal. I only ate half of what was on the plate. Connor thought what he'd put on the plate was too little and that I hadn't eaten enough of it, but it looked like double what any normal person would eat... It wasn't... He made chicken breast wrapped in bacon with a garlic butter sauce inside and a lemon, onion and creme freche sauce to put on it, with new potatoes, carrots and green beans. I tried, I really did, but I just couldn't eat all of it I knew he felt like I wasn't trying because of the way that hetried to get me to eat more, but I just couldn't do it. I explained that if I did, I would most probably be sick and that'd offend him more than me leaving it and saying that it was a great meal and I loved it, but I couldn't finish it.

R has now gone back to Manchester, so it's just C staying with me. I've been drinking 4 days out of 7 :-/ Connor only knows of 2. He'd go mad if he knew how much I'd been drinking, the fact that I've been drinking so much that I've been drunk and gone to bed, waking up with no hangover. Which of course makes me do it even more, because I'm lucky and don't suffer with hangovers. So... I'm kinda stuck at the moment with that too, especially since I've just turned 18.

My shoulders for the past 3 or four days have been tense, aching, stinging and just generally stiff and painful. I know, putting too much pressure on myself again but I'm trying to relieve that pressure a little, just finding it a bit hard..