Please just hold onto the fact that you love your kids. We know you some here and you seem pretty sane. Your self esteem is invisable but hey, we will give you a boost. You have been a victim, you are no longer a victim, you are a survivor and a mother whose kids need her to be self assured and follow her gut on what is best for her children. My biggest regret in parenting was and always will be not following my gut. Could have saved a lot of my own heartache.