Saw my T again last night.
She asked me when I walked in how I felt about being there. I said nervous. As many of you know, we had a bad session two weeks ago.

She told me again that she was sorry. She said, I noticed you didn't email me this week. I told her it was because I was afraid it bothered her.
Then I said if I could have this is what I would have talked about in it.
I said, you told me during our rough session that you didn't think you could meet my needs, then last week we made a plan together for you to continue seeing me.

I said, I need to know something. Why are you seeing me after telling me you didn't think you could meet my needs. I said maybe I was hard headed in not listening to you in trying to tell me that. Then I said, I don't want you to be doing this because you have to, or feel obligated to.

She said thank you for sharing that with me face to face. She said she was really sorry for causing me that pain. That she jumped the gun when she said it. That she was wrong and said it really abruptly and shouldn't have. She then said, she really does want to see me, that she means that from her heart. That she really does want to help me. She said, its probably hard for you to trust that right now, because you are not use to people saying or doing things like that for you but you will in time.

It felt good for her to say that to me.
Then I opened up and shared with her about a few nights ago, when I laid in bed and started balling, having an anxiety attack and not knowing why or where it was coming from. I hadn't had one in years.

She said, what were you thinking at the time? I said about how I lost my mom, then my dad and just feeling really lonely, and like I was going to die, heart racing and totally overwhelmed.

she said did I come to mind in that. I said yes you did, that I lost them and now I feel like I am about to lose you to. She said I'm really sorry to cause you heartache like that. I didn't mean to do that.

Then I said, If I were to die, I don't think anyone would even know. She looked right at me and said, I would know. Then we talked alittle about me feeling really lonely.

She said, do you ever pick up the phone and call a sibling or friend when that is happening. I said no, I just lay there and cry and try to use self talk to calm myself. She said how did you do it that night. I said I don't really remember I think I just cried till I feel asleep.

I sat there holding back with everything I had, because I would have balled my eyes out. It's hard to let someone really know the depths of what I feel. Or I should say that I am afraid to let them know.

I did show her some of my drawings for the first time as well. She asked lots of questions about them. Then we talked a lot about my work.
It was a good session. Why can't all sessions be like that

I'm glad I spoke up. I hate doing that but she'll never know unless I do. I am trying really hard to push myself to do that more.