oh gosh. thank you guys all so much. i read all these posts before i left for T today, but couldn't reply because i was feeling too numb. but it really did make all the difference in me actually showing up to see Austin-T, instead of throwing a stone through his window or something. so thank you, all of you . you guys really are the best.

of course i got there and just sat and said nothing. Austin-T was really hyper, it was kind of funny, and he kept apologising and saying things like "stop talking, Austin-T, and give deli a chance to respond". he didn't really give me a chance to say anything, though, he was such a whirlwind.

it was good for me though, because it really picked me up. i didnt say anything in session, but i left feeling a lot more positive and motivated.

the closest i came to addressing the issue - he said something about how we should plan to catch up after my exam to assess how things went and that he would write to my GP to get 6 more subsidised sessions. and i said "but i thought you were closing your practice by then". and he said "oh, i'm cutting back to 3 days now - so i can still squeeze you in, but maybe not every week". i didnt say anything to that, but i felt really confused. i think he thought i was upset so he said "but if you want weekly sessions i could fit you in at pdoc's hospital if you don't have a problem meeting there?".

so now i'm just very . it is good he is offering to see me further, but i need to be really clear about what he's offering. i dont know if he is only offering 6 more sessions, or if he is offering to keep seeing me indefinitely (but was requesting those 6 subsided sessions to make it easier for me to pay). i will bring it up with him next week. im not going to start trusting him again until we have that clear.

he told me today one thing he really liked about me is that i'm assertive and can set my boundaries well. even if those boundaries make it difficult for him to help me as much as he wants (e.g., i've told him i dont trust him so i'm not going to answer x,y,z questions that he's asked).

i did manage to bring up that i wanted to quit with pdoc (i was too scared to say i wanted to quit with him too). so we talked about that for a bit. he said he saw pdoc about a month ago in the tea room (they're secret lovers) and pdoc had been telling Austin-T how excited he was that i seemed to have turned a corner in therapy and we were going great places. Austin-T said he didn't know what pdoc was talking about, but that he was happy that pdoc was so full of enthusiasm about what we were doing.

so that made me rethink things a little bit. it is weird for pdoc to be taking up their secret-lover-time to be discussing clients, so maybe he really was excited. and if he is enthused about where things are going then maybe he isn't trying to pull away from me.

so i might go to see pdoc tomorrow. just to suss him out. might tell him what a poo he is for reframing our interactions in terms of "physician"/patient, and also for not telling me his birthday when he was the one who brought it up.

i probably won't say anything, of course, but i'm a bit curious now.

maybe things will be ok.