feeling very very vulnerable. i have this ... serious need... for something. i need ... something.

T on monday and talked about not being able to do everything by myself. said i talked to my mum and had explained to her that i need her to be the grown up in our relationship sometimes. at least 50% of the time. told T i had listened to mum crying and yelling at me on the phone for an hour because i had said to her i was hurt and upset and angry that she had forgotten something very important to me. after an hour i cracked and lost my cool and just started saying i need her and crying so hard i couldnt talk properly. that sort of hiccuppy crying. finally at that she became my mum again and said she would try to be there more for me.

anyway T asked why i needed her to be there and i said cos i cant do everything by myself. sometimes i need someone there. so T said we would have to work on finding out why i feel i need her and cant do everything myself so i could become not totally dependent on her. tears leaking out a little even as im writing this. im so petfified of losing my mum and that support. i dont understand whats happening. i dont understand why i need someone there and whats wrong with that. why do i need too much? why do i end up in a place where i cant function and am just trying to survive?

then told T thats where i am. just trying not to hurt myself. she said 'well you dont need to go there'. this was at the end of the session. now shes gone away and it will be 3 weeks before i see her again. 2 and a half now. ive been trying not to feel about it but this morning i realised i feel horribly horribly abandoned. i feel abandoned and ... i cant even figure out what else but not good at all. inside aches. im scared. i seem to be scared a lot. really scared. sigh.

i just needed to write. sorry.