Maybe there is no such thing as sleep anxiety, but to me there is , and yes still present tense because i been suffering for 2 years. as in my intro at the new comer page, i work n stay w my parents, my dad will bang my door every morning, if i dont wake up and help my mum at early in the morning.... (ill explain below why i dont want to wake up).
so often i sleep with having myself to be awake, to pick up noise from their rooms, once i heard my dad phone ring (my mum will call him to wake him up) i will immediately JUMP off my sleep and rush to the switch to switch on the light...
it happen everyday, and it really get into me, i get pissy early in the morning, my heart bit so fast, and worse, if i dont have enough sleep i tend to show my anger... lots of anger...
i know is bad, i try to behave but it just get to me, so angry.... ... and worse if im too tired and sleep dead and didnt pick up the noise and didnt manage to wake up b4 my father...
ill faced the consequence.... he bang my door so loud that i immediately wake up from the sleep and have my head spin so fast... and dizzy ... of course my heart bit is faster than the usual day...
i really dont know what i can do to stop this anxiety.... is killing me... sometimes (now very often) i wake up wishing im dead... and cursing why am i still waking up....
why typing, my dad was shouting at our dog, and my heart skip abit and now is beating fast... i think my anxiety r causes by him....
i dont want medicine.. because i cant afford a psychiatry ... and i dont trust them at all.. not in my country.... they will do whatever they can to earn money.... n fears of my info leak out... so never will....
if u asked me to talk to my dad about it.... i will get the worse nightmare ever... he will make my life much more miserable than im having now...
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(i work for my parents, they pay me lower than average wage, although they insisted that it is relatively high for graduates, but i do not have any benefits,
- i dont have employee retirement benefit, like they will pay certain percentage in a gov account until i retire and will get the money,
- i dont have medical benefit , because i am not allow to be sick.... to them sick is a forbidden word,
-i have no holidays, i have no weekends break nor any day break in the weekends,
-i am not allow to go out, because my mum will use mental abuse to make me feel guilty...
-because of 7 days a week, i no longer have friends, i cant make plan with my friends because i often cant make it, i have to ask permission to go out... and im 23 ....) im so lonely... :'(
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A Shocking News:
It seems to me that being a daughter or better a female have no value in the society I'm Living in.
What shocked me on 4 Jan 2010 hurt me so badly that now there will have nothing to stop me from leaving this Earth.
I used to think that I created the story of parents hating me, but it finally confirm on 4 Jan 2010.
I get to know it from the neighbour, he was told by my dad that I am a girl which eventually will marry and leave the home, so whatever things also he wont inherit it to me. (I'm fine with it, but what sadden me was this is how my dad think, and my mum agrees with it)
I hold my tears until i reached home, showed tantrum and slammed the door, and was questioned by my dad. But i can't tell the truth, because i know what he capable of doing.
I cried and cried, praying to god to end my life, or let me straight jackpot, and so i can offically leave this home without them looking down on me.. just because i am a Female, a Daughter, A Sister.
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I fear soon i become the abuser myself...
I fear of not able to control myself and repeat the footstep of those abusing me I used to think of marriage and have my own family, but now I fear i will abuse my own child.. and choose not to have child... why let them suffer when i know how it feel....