hi everyone...

changed my name T's carved rhino made such a difference for me these past two weeks... two more to go and he will be back.

i'm alive... so that is something, all things considered anyway. The flashbacks, nightmares and shock of realization have been tough but my life never sits still enough to dwell much.

since t left i have had one job.... hated it but i am poor so i stayed... then quit it because i got another job... got the flu.. broke my foot (i think it is broken, could be a torn ligament but it feels different this time... either way, I couldn't take time off from a new job to go deal with long ER wait times)..

there's more but it gets tedious to type

i've struggled a lot with things... my life situation is in the crapper. i've been out of work so long that getting a job won't help a lot for months... and i am not able to figure out just how to do things so that i can support myself *and* be happy. i don't fit into most molds.. 9-5 is like a bitter little hell for me... and i don't do well in jobs that have little freedom or independence. Things is... my self esteem and confidence are so low that "doing my own thing" presents other problems.

i get so paralyzed with fear on my own, and then bound up with other factors when in a structured job.

everyone thinks i can do it on my own... make a life without needing to be hired by someone else. Through T's eyes/words i started to ponder that sort of feedback... wonder if maybe i have been wrong about being useless in the world.

i really need T right now... his perspective and clarity are badly needed. i am lost and over my head... all the stuff he and i have been talking about keeps me unsettled and distressed, but the life situation has me so confused and frantic... i can't keep a clear focus on things.