i am slowly starting to revise Austin-Ts sexuality . last week he mentioned having a "partner", and that was ok, but this week i noticed a wedding band and he also mentioned having kids. so i'm like, oh no, maybe he isn't gay after all . and if he isn't gay than he can't be half as cool as a porn star, or maybe even a porn star at all. so i'm very sad.

BUT there is hope!! because i saw pdoc today and he mentioned that he had "coffee" (snort) with Austin-T in the staff room. and we all know what that means .

being a bit serious, though - Austin-T told pdoc (while they were having coffee) that i'm not telling pdoc some stuff. so pdoc asked me if i wanted to share, but he said it would be ok if i didn't. but it led to a really good conversation, i'm feeling quite secure again.

i told him how upset i got when he kept saying "psychiatrist" and "dr" and everything else, and he was like... err, is this a transference thingy (he even mentione "erotic transference" )? and i felt like stabbing his eyes out with a fork, but instead i remained cool and collected and tried to explain myself better and we figured out that it's because i relate to him as just pdoc, and not as "psychiatrist", and i've been scared that he's just playing a "psychiatrist" role with me ever since i disclosed, rather than being the genuine pdoc he always has been. so he reassured me that he's still being genuine and he was using those terms without attaching meaning to them, but he was also trying to be very careful not to invade my space, so maybe he was using those to reassure me that we're still in a professional relationship and that this won't leak into other areas of my life. and so i was able to say that so long as that professional relationship was also genuine then i could maybe accept him for being a psychiatrist and stop the order of scientologists from coming and burning down his home .

we also talked about how much push-pull i've been feeling - being so scared that he will leave me, but also wanting to leave myself because i feel like i'm relying on him - and he said that he was so honoured that i did feel like he was someone to rely on. and he was so excited about it, he was positively glowing, and he said that i need to let myself do that a bit instead of pulling away. he said i'm the most self-reliant person he's ever met, even after 10 years of working with clients, and so it is a break through moment for him for me to actually feel that need for someone else and to give voice to it. he said the next step is for me to test it out a bit because he thinks it'll make me more healthy and happier. i'm still really uncomfortable about the idea, but just the fact that he was so excited was like... maybe this is a good thing after all?

i dont know. but i feel good. how weird that i could see both Austin-T and pdoc and not quit with either of them. and that Austin-T helped me talk to pdoc about stuff that's been really getting me upset. and that i feel great now after all of that.

thank you all so much for pushing me to do this. my session with pdoc today was pretty huge as far as healing goes. he said that this kind of stuff will lay the foundation for the rest of my life so he's happy we're doing it too.